(11-08-2009 10:47 PM)Koi Wrote: [ -> ]Definitely sounds like a Borderline to me. Moving so fast into relationships sounds like the problems with early attachment that can become BPD. I'm 99.9% sure that she will never say she accepts you moving out because in her mind you'll be abadoning her, even if you were to leave on good terms with only the intention of moving forward with your life, like any adult. And living with a friend can work so long as you both respect each other's personal space within the apartment, I think.
And she wants me to live with her forever-that's the biggest thing here! But she sees everyone else and their "problems"-she'll do the same thing and not even think of it. And she is always talking bad about other people. But the mood swings! I don't know when she will like me or when she will hate me, and I never can do anything right.
Tune her out. Don't engage. It's the best way.
For so long she had me thinking all these things were wrong with me, but anyone who knows me, can see that she has the problems. I'm not as bad as she portrays. I have sort of been 'at peace' lately, and I guess it's because after 23 years, I'm learning "Hey, maybe she has the problem and I don't". I just heard all these bad things for so long, and so much verbal abuse. She has her good days, there's this glimmer of hope, and I just wish there were more good days, more often. She's been under a lot of stress, which makes everything worse.
"She has her good days, there's this glimmer of hope, and I just wish there were more good days, more often."
That's definitely part of the problem - the 'glimmer of hope'. If she was always horrible then it would be easy, because she'd just be a complete asshole and it would be easy to cut her from your life. The good parts are what mess you up and make it much more difficult to deal with her.
People who abuse their spouses specifically go from good behaviour to bad because they know that they have to be good on occasion otherwise their spouse would leave them. It is possible - although I won't guarantee it - that your mother is doing both good and bad behaviours to manipulate you.
The day my freedom was complete was the day I gave up hope that my dysfunctional mother would ever treat me right.
I cut all ties to her.
Those years of hoping for better treatment really weighed me down.
Until I was free from that hope, I had no idea of how much it affected me.
(11-10-2009 12:02 PM)cassia Wrote: [ -> ]The day my freedom was complete was the day I gave up hope that my dysfunctional mother would ever treat me right.
I cut all ties to her.
Those years of hoping for better treatment really weighed me down.
Until I was free from that hope, I had no idea of how much it affected me.
Have to totally agree with the use of good behavior and bad to be manipulative and keep you coming back for more, as well as the hope that you'll finally be able to get it right and she'll treat you well.
That's what I went through with my mom right up until I moved out. My father would even support her-"why did you upset your mom like that?" "if you'd just ____, she wouldn't be p***ed!" until he FINALLY realized that even when she got her way she was still mad at the world. It was ridiculous, and till this day I still struggle with lack of self-esteem and the desire to have everyone like me, but it was a huge turning point when I realized she'd never be the mom I needed her to be because of her own issues, and there was nothing I could do to change that. It's so much easier now that I just do what I want and if she doesn't like it, too bad.
Yep, those good moments are what make you feel guilty as hell when you want to cut ties. I'd think about the cool stuff she gave me, the things she paid for, some nice things she said here and there, some good times, some laughs we shared, and then I'd feel guilty about wanting to leave. Of course, she was disabled and alone and that was the extra holding power, I had no way out and spent a lot of time wishing she was dead and then feeling so guilty about feeling that, that I'd hate myself. Yes, it would be easier to detach and move on if your mother was a horrible ogre 24/7, but she's not and that's the power, it keeps you unbalanced, keeps you feeling guilty, makes you hate yourself for having terrible feelings towards her. It will drive you nuts.
The scary thing is, I know I'd be stuck right there in that hell at the age of 40 if she were still alive. I would never had met my husband, or lived anywhere else other than the shitty redneck dumpy town I grew up in. I would have some random office job and I would have probably still been cutting my wrists. I'm lucky she died so I could have a life, and that's so sad.
I know lots of people who lost a parent or two and they're so upset about it, they love their parents. I can't even imagine that, my mother's death meant I got to have a life, and then I feel guilty about feeling that way. I have to only remember the bad stuff to keep from feeling overwhelmingly guilty. I have a friend whose mother was very seriously mentally ill and made his life a living hell growing up, she died a few years ago and he told me that he had to forgive her so he could move on, but I don't want to forgive my mother for anything, I don't think she deserves my forgiveness.
I was misdiagnosed with cancer.
I actually have psoriasis.
(11-13-2009 10:51 PM)paris04 Wrote: [ -> ]I was misdiagnosed with cancer.
I actually have psoriasis.
Are you serious????
Congratualtions on your psoriasis!!!!!!
Good lords, psoriasis! Oh man, that is such better news!!!!!
My dad has extremely severe psoriasis and has suffered for many years, he used to go to my doctor! I even mentioned my dad having psoriasis, it just did not look like it. My skin was really red and tough, and it would very quickly grow back as "flakes" (which I'd pick off and it all started over again). Psoriasis is when your skin is growing like every 3-4 days as opposed to 28 days. So now it makes sense! I was even told I had ringworm and did treatment for that, the only reason the edges were red was from me scratching until it bled. I didn't think it looked like ringworm!
My fiance's brother's wife was the one that caused a lot of issues with us WANTING to be child-free, just an update on that. She wanted 4 kids, and was going to have a baby spring 2009. Spring 2009 came and went and she was not pregnant. Well, it is looking like they cannot have children, at least not anytime soon because of some health complications. While I do feel bad for them... it has made things smoother for us.
My mom is still not 100% on board with me getting married in April but is a lot better lately.
You may (fingers crossed) find that your mother just accepts your decision if you are solid enough about it.
How did things go with the get-together? I lost track of time and forgot to ask for an update!
(12-22-2009 04:38 AM)Ziggy Wrote: [ -> ]You may (fingers crossed) find that your mother just accepts your decision if you are solid enough about it.
How did things go with the get-together? I lost track of time and forgot to ask for an update!
I think where it is getting closer and closer to the date, and we haven't backed down and still plan to have the wedding. My fiance is also paying for everything, so it's not like we're asking our families for money.
The party went well. His parents came (my mom came after work-so when she got here, only his parents were here), my best friend and her cousin (who I'm going to Florida with next year!), neighbours... My mom did baking for it and his parents bought stuff.
We asked for coins for the SPCA and raised $56.
That's great that you were able to raise money for SPCA! Good for you!
As long as you are paying for the wedding you should be able to call the shots - that's a huge advantage.
Keep us posted on your planning!
I'm glad that the party went well! Consider it a sign of good things to come...
(12-22-2009 10:52 AM)catsnotkids Wrote: [ -> ]That's great that you were able to raise money for SPCA! Good for you!
As long as you are paying for the wedding you should be able to call the shots - that's a huge advantage.
Keep us posted on your planning!
My fiance's brother had an expensive wedding. Her parents paid for most of it, but they have money. They STILL asked HIS parents for money, which they didn't have (it was in the thousands of dollars range, it was more than a thousand dollars they asked for)-his family didn't have that.
And whatever her parents didn't pay for, they went into debt for. July 2008 and they're still paying! That makes me sick.
If we don't have the money, we're not buying it and not going into debt for a day. If our families GIVE us money to help, great, but we are NOT asking for any!