So DH and I are both feeling a little sensitive about our financial situation right now and we were both thinking the same thing the other day when I mentioned taking a little break from trying to socialize with our circle and he said he was thinking the same.
We don't begrudge our friends any happiness they have, but they are not feeling the economic crush that DH and I are. None of them have an upset in their two-income households or their lifestyles. We're glad for them, but at the same token, we really can't take much more talk about their planned vacations, big screen tv purchases or their freedom to go out all the time. We're doing jack shit right now and I've got the added stress of my mom's house foreclosing (never transferred to my name thank dog).
One of our friends turned 50 recently and her husband threw a very nice party at a yacht club. We told her we would take them out to a very nice restaurant (one we've been to before as couples) when we could get our schedules together (and our finances on our end) as her gift. So we still owe that dinner. Meanwhile my b-day is next week. I DON'T want to celebrate any part of it....could give a care less! She wants to take me out for lunch and I feel very weird about it....I've tried avoiding the issue and I could come up with an excuse, but am I being rediculous? I just don't want to be in a position that makes our situation even MORE obvious.....
Do I have a pride issue here? Am I being overly sensitive?
I don't think your being overly sensitive. DH & I are in the same boat. We both worked at car dealerships. Mine closed back in May. We were fine living on his paycheck and my unemployment. We found out last week that his dealership is closing the end of this month. Luckily, we don't have alot of debt, but still - we will be living on less than half of what we were bringing in before either dealership closed. If they are true friends, they will understand the situation.
I think some part of it is pride -- you can't reciprocate their gestures, so you want to withdraw. But so what? -- if you want to withdraw, that's your prerogative! And it IS annoying when other people talk about their big spending, when you can't rub two quarters together, and you used to be able to rub more than two quarters together. It reminds you of your situation, it doesn't give you hope or pleasure, and it seems insensitive of them to mention those things in front of you. I'd want to withdraw, too.
If these people are really your friends, then you owe them an explanation of why you don't want to hang out. Be honest and tell them exactly what you told us. If they are your REAL friends, they will understand. Chances are they already know on some level that you guys are having problems but they don't want to bring it up and make you feel uncomfortable. Hence the offer to buy you lunch, and no nagging about the missed birthday dinner.
Irrelevant of the reasons, you aren't being too sensitive.
I'd suggest telling them something, but you don't have to be really explicit. Things might get awkward if you do, depending upon the people. I'd hate to get a "Oh, but we can still hang out but we'll promise not to say anything" in return, or something along those lines. A simple "My life is really stressful right now, so I'm spending my time quietly at home. I'll give you a call when I'm feeling more social" would be honest statement but wouldn't leave you open to commentary. I know, if they are good friends then they will understand, but I have found that good friends sometimes want to 'help' and that can cause frustration on both sides. Then again, it's completely up to you! You can also look at the option of being socially picky for a while, where you can suggest meeting up for coffee with only one other person in order to catch up, and explain that you only want to meet quietly and more informally while you take a break from the social group.
I spent the whole month of March and much of April/May being anti-social and ignoring good friends. Mostly I emailed them with something similar to what I wrote above and they were very understanding. It did teach me that I am my top priority, and I should work with what I need from my friends at the time. I didn't place expectations on them, but I did hang out with a few of them a lot at those times (I played cards several times a week with one bunch - but I loved it because they only talked about cards and statistics, and didn't ask me personal stuff) and I have no regrets.
Best of luck.
It's a real problem when you have friends that are at a different economic level-especially if you were at the same level as them and suddenly you're not. The friends that have extra money to spend don't want to down-grade their lifestyle and don't realize how expensive their lifestyle is and people with little financial means can't afford to keep up with their wealthier friends.
I've been at both ends of the spectrum. I've had a few good paying jobs and I've had long stretches of unemployment where paying everyday bills and living expenses was a real challenge. If your friends have never had any long stretches of unemployment or financial hardship, they can't comprehend what financial hardship is.
The friends with money don't realize that at some point in their life, the shoe might be on the other foot and you might be the one with a job and they're not, and they're trying to figure out how to get out of a mountain of debt, especially if they have kids. When I was working at good paying jobs, I never thought I would be one of those people who are unemployed and struggling to make ends meet, but that's where I ended up from time to time. Anybody can end up in that situation.
I tend to agree with CFS but also with Ziggy as well. Try to let them know you have a lot going on and just say hey if we are absent for a few weeks please forgive us, we are dealing with "such and such" (not sure if they know about your mom's house or you care for them to know) and just try to stay scarce. I do it from time to time and it's pretty easy... you could check in after a couple weeks with a hello just to show you haven't dropped off the face of the earth maybe. However, I'd do the same thing...
Just to clarify, I wasn't implying that you need to tell them every financial detail of your life, or that you need to tell them that you resent hearing about their trips! That would be TMI. I just meant that there is no shame in telling them that you are both watching your budget right now and don't want to be tempted to blow your budget, so you'll be hanging out less often and choosing budget-conscious options when hanging out, such as coffee dates or home get-togethers. If they are your true friends, they'll be happy to hang out with you in less expensive environments.
I agree completely with CFScorp. If they are your friends, they will understand. When my friends are in trouble, I go out of my way to buy them dinner, make them feel like they aren't so alone, have cheap nights in and forgive debts or what have you. These people don't sound like friends at all, but rather very formal acquaintances and the fact that they wouldn't race to your side and hug you and apologize for being insensitive kind of proves that.
I worry that when things start to spiral downwards, it's VERY easy to isolate yourself and that begets a whole new slew of problems. You need support systems at this time, especially at this time, and isolating yourself from friends is not healthy.
Not that these people are necessarily your friends, but you know what I mean. I think you do have too much pride (not that it's necessarily a bad thing) but the fact that you can't be honest with them about something so obvious as job loss and lifestyle changes indicates something deeper here.
Just to clarify, they all know our situation.....which is why it's difficult for us...in the sense that they know; however cannot relate and therefore don't really have any idea how much it might affect us for them to discuss their upcoming trip out of the country or their cruise they are taking first! We're happy for them, but it's a completely different world from ours right now and well frankly in general....as we've never had a stretch of time over 8mo in our marriage without job loss, lay-offs or struggle. Sure we've had times that were fine while I was working full time even if DH was laid off, but we haven't taken more than a weekend trip anywhere in 11yrs. Consistant stable income is something we are not familiar with as a married couple.
I know my friend that wants to take me out is just being nice, but I'm really going to bypass it. Meeting for coffee and sitting outside somewhere is more my speed right now. I'm just not interested in having anyone buy me lunch when our intention is to take them out to dinner for HER birthday and we have yet to be able to do so. I just feel weird about it....
This extreme difference between us and our friends has obviously been getting bigger since the longer DH is out of work, the worse our situation gets in addition to the financial drain from my mom's death. It's also become a bigger issue for me. I don't ever want to be one of those people that compares their life to everyone else, but it's REALLY difficult to be the only couple that constantly deals with death and struggle while those close to you have no interuption in their lives.....even the situation with my mom sets me apart in the sense that we gave a lot of financial support to her in the last few years.
I don't know....I'm rambling now.....LOL.....thanks for the input, I appreciate it!!! I don't believe they mean any harm, but they truly cannot relate and as such it just makes us feel even more set apart.
I totally know how you feel as we have friends as well that are (or at least seem to be) oblivious to the economic troubles around them.
I know sometimes they are only trying to be nice by buying lunch or dinner but it makes me feel even worse because not only can they afford to go out but they can afford to pick up my tab as well.
Having said that, there will always be those that are better off than you but there will always be those that are worse off than you.
As far as the birthday dinner you "owe" your friend, why don't you have her and her DH over for a nice dinner? It would be a lot cheaper than eating out and probably much nicer. It is a lot more work, and you'll have to spend some money, but the gesture is actually even nicer than an expensive restaurant meal because you have to put effort into it.
I avoid going out to dinner with friends because it's just too expensive. But we do have people over for a nice dinner or BBQ at our house. I even try to avoid lunches out by suggesting that we take picnics to a local park.
Just one perspective on all this.
Maybe I'm just a real born-again-hippy, but I learned some time ago that
accepting the kindnesses offered by others is an amazing thing, and you get something out of it, but they get something out of it too. People like to give. When the recipient won't take the gift, it's frustrating. It's like the generosity is not being acknowledged or appreciated.
Last summer when I travelled around, I crashed on MANY a couch and ate many a meal... people are SOOO kind. Unbelievably kind. I marvelled every single day at how the universe will hand you piles and piles and piles of gifts if you will only just take them. Reminds me of that joke/prayer/story about
the guy on the roof in a flood waiting for god to save him. Help is ALL around, but you have to be willing to accept the kindnesses of others, sometimes, to get through to the other side.
If I hadn't have taken those people up on their offers of couches or spare rooms or dinners, my trip would have been mighty boring. Instead, I got a renewed faith in humanity and I believe with all my heart that people are good and kind.
I, too, have a hard time accepting help when I'm at my lowest, but I know (in my case, anyhow) that is simply foolish pride, and in the end, I'm better off when I acknowledge I appreciate the help.
As for your friends not understanding your situation... of course they don't. Maybe it's a good opportunity for you to teach them sensitivity in this regard. "A teachable moment" as Obama would say. LOL
Jo, that IMO is way different than taking someone out for a meal. I would kindly accept a couch and a home made meal any day. Likewise, I would also offer a couch and a home made meal any day of the week. The best way to show some one you love them is to cook for them
I was going to say earlier that if your friends are considerate and understanding of your situation and don't want to embarrass you, a home cooked meal is the best thing ever!
I would like to add that Jo, I would cook you a home made meal any day of the week
LOL NKB, I might just have to take you up on that soon! I know you are a gourmand and me, well, you know I like the good ground black pepper on my Krap Dinner.
Jo
How does steamed salmon on the grill with white wine, lemon and shallot sauce sound? Mmmmm...just made that tonight and I could not stop eating it. As much ground pepper as you like