Do you think about former lovers? Wonder how they are doing? Are you in touch with some of them?
I really struggle with this. I've got a couple of ex's who have found me or whom I've found on FB. That can be tricky because I know what they're up to, but sometimes that almost feels worse than not knowing... There are still others that I have no contact with but still wonder/think about.
Anyone else deal with this or are you just over your ex's and don't give them a passing thought?
Nope.
We split for a reason, and I have no interest in hearing from them. My ex-husband even tried to friend me on FB, and I thought long and hard about it -- mainly because the only thing I really want to know about him is that his life is crap, and that he's reaping every seed that he has ever sown -- but then I realized that I really didn't want him knowing much about me, or thinking that we can be on friendly terms.
Yes, I've looked mine up (the two serious ones) and even found pictures of them online. I am not in touch with them and would not want to be, but I was curious about what they were doing and what they look like now. If someone meant something to you, I don't see anything wrong in wondering how that person is doing now. I would not friend them on FB or anything like that because that's TMI for me.
There are some people you just never get over. I do occasionally look them up online to see where they are. Some I have lost touch with but I still wonder about them.
I'm friends with several of my exes on facebook, but none of them are the guys I never got over.
CF Scorpio Wrote:I'm friends with several of my exes on facebook, but none of them are the guys I never got over.
Interesting. I'm friends on FB with two whom I have not gotten over entirely. Of those two, one has indicated that he's also not over me, although he's married w/kids. The other one I have no real sense if he's over me or not, also married, though.
I was friends with them initially because they are good people, and as a result I am happy to hear updates about them.
I don't know of any former serious relationships that are on Facebook, so my updates are through mutual friends. Often these updates aren't very exciting, "I saw A the other day and he was looking well", so I don't seek them out but I don't mind getting them either.
I am friends online with someone whom I never got over, but he leads an exciting life and I like following his adventures so I'm happy to keep in touch that way. It never worked because we live far from the other plus he's likely to be single for the rest of his life (it's easier knowing that he's odd and it 'wasn't me').
The most awkward one for me is someone that I randomly meet up with every few weeks. We can chat together nicely enough, but I don't think that he understands me at all so I usually have 'something else planned' after we catch up on the details of life ("What have you been up to?" etc).
The 2 more serious, adult relationships I've had (prior to my marriage), I'm not friends with and have no idea what they're doing. I get mildly curious about them once in a while, but haven't tried to find them beyond looking on Facebook (neither were on there). I doubt I would have friend-requested them anyway, even if I had found them. I also don't really intend to stay in touch with my soon-to-be ex-husband. Maybe after some time has passed, we'll be able to be on friendly terms (the divorce has been amicable), but right now I really want to distance myself from him.
I'm still really close friends with a few of my exes, but they were mostly high school boyfriends. There are 4 of them that I still talk to (as in, on the phone - not just via the internet) and/or see on a regular basis. Maybe it's because I was younger when I dated them, maybe it's because they weren't as serious (although at the time, my feelings for them were very strong), or maybe it's because I'm not completely over them. I've not really thought too much about it. I do know that each of them is important to me, and I still LIKE them, even if I no longer have romantic feelings for them. But there are also plenty of guys from my past that I rarely even think of, let alone want to try to find.
So I guess the short answer is: It depends on the guy.
Vanessa
Two of my exes are on FB and it's nice being friends with them. Two other exes, British ones, aren't on FB but I keep in touch with them through email. In fact, one of them announced his wedding in London recently and I felt a bit of a twinge. But I recovered because I've always understood he just wasn't interested in the same kind of life I wanted. He was pretty nomadic, and has tons of friends. If I were with him, I'd have to get used to the idea of loads of people always at the house, sleeping on floors, smoking, drinking, etc. He's a musician and always has the ladies giving him loads of attention, then he flits off to other countries, including the US, for months at a time playing music, sleeping on floors, hanging out. I'd have to be the one holding down everything at home and doing all the work. It's just not the kind of life I want.
I'm not friends with or in touch with any of my other exes, most of them are assholes who can fall off a cliff for all I care. I do wonder about them sometimes, but only because I want them to be unhappy. I have recently found my ex-husband on FB and I honestly wish he would suffer tremendously and die an early death, but it looks like he's doing great. He hasn't made his FB page private yet, so I can see his newest victim/girlfriend and what he's up to. Man, I fucking hate him.
I am friends with a couple guys from high school. One I dated for 6 months. His mom was bummed that it didn't work out. The other never caught on that I was interested in him. But since neither was a serious thing, we stayed friends.
On facebook, I am friends with a mutual friend of my college sweetheart. I could friend ex-BF, but I think it may be odd. I hear he is doing well. (Of course, it is a bit easier with him since I found about about 3 years after we broke up that he came out of the closet. Hmmm)
The other very serious relationship that I was in, I left the town that we lived in and was out of site for quite a while. I did google his name once (his is a very unusually last name) about 10 years ago, and saw he was out of country teaching English for a couple years. Weirdly, for about 15 years he has sent me things via an uncle (anyonomously) and then to my office. I also know that he has been to my office (not inside) and has seen me from comments he has made in letters.
I tell people that he is stalking me - remedial style. (Just contacting me once every 2-3 years) I have blocked him from any personal accounts that I have like FB or my blog.
Oddly, I have found his daughter on FB but have never bothered to contact her. She looks happy and well. And for that, I am glad.
I have no hard feelings and harbour no hatred towards any of my exes. One is a gutter crackhead as far as I know (the guy I was with for four years) and I really don't want contact with him as he's obsessive and addicted, and I don't need that in my life. Another one broke my heart when I was 23 and I sawed his prized heirloom canoe in half in a drunken misery, and I'm fairly certain he wants nothing to do with me, even though I'm sorry and I would say so if I were to ever see him again.
My first love I've loosely stayed in contact with over the years. Last I heard he'd moved to Vancouver and joined a cult, and that bothered me, but live and let live. I'd love to hear from him again, but he doesn't appear to be on FB.
The others were mostly flash in the pans or light hearted affairs, and I'm friends with many of them on FB and it's nice to see they are doing well. One I still consider to be 'the one that got away' in some fashion -- he's married with kids and as far as I can tell he's a very heavy drinker and smoker, so I guess I dodged a bullet there. I have a bad habit of falling in love with people's potential, though, and I know what he is and what I wish he were are two different things.
Some of the one nighters are kinda funny to see on FB because they have interesting lives and you only ever saw them once, drunk. HA!
I don't have issues with reconnecting with people. I quite like it.
Found one of my ex's and friended him and he reciprocated. I sent him a message to his email but heard nothing back so after a few week, I unfriended him.
I often think of ex's but harbour no ill will towards them. I'm better off without them.
I occasionally wonder how some of my exs are doing, and others i couldn't care less about. For the most part though, I really don't think about them. They are all exs for reasons, and I wouldn't ever really consider being friends or more than that with any of them. I talk to a few of them online from time to time, but that is about all. I don't wish any ill will on them, but they are a part of my past, and that is where they will remain.
recently my 1st boyfriend's wife contacted me on classmates.com, but I had not upgraded so could not read it, but then a couple months later HE contacted me so I upgraded. I got his e-mail address. The last time I saw him was at his wedding. All he wrote me was that his son is studying for his bar mitzvah,his daughter is 9 or so, they have 2 cats and his wife is a rabbi for a hospital. I have been wondering for years what he ended up doing as a job. He was kind of flaky, he got a master's degree, but the faculty warned him not to continue his studies! He did not answer my question, I wrote again more directly what he is doing, but he answered "What is an iPod?" I don't know why he is being so obtuse, it bothered me for a while but i have to give it up. We did have a powerful relationship and it was good for both of us for the most part, but was not destined for life...
The 2 other serious boyfriends I would rather not know. One has a website because he produces obscure recordings of underground musicians, so if I wanted to contact him, I could. We had remained friends for years, he even stayed with us when he was visiting Boston when we lived there, however, he never found another relationship and it got icky because it became more apparent he would have liked to have a fuck buddy, he sent me porn in e-mails and I told him to stop, he apologized, said he was drunk, but I could not stomach it anymore.
The other guy broke up with me badly, he started a relationship with a co-worker and I just did not see it coming, it was awful. He has a common name so I doubt I could find him even if I wanted to.
I only have one ex-spouse. Because we are in our 50s, there was no way I could easily contact her until the mid 90s. I did google her every now and then, but it appeared she was successful and I was just ambling along. However, when I got successful, I e-mailed her. That was in 2005. Since then her career's been going downhill because she works for the state of California, so she's in a big crowd. Anyhow, we decided to all four of us meet on a cruise in 2007 and it was a lot of fun (after 30 years, who cares?). So now we are in touch pretty much weekly, and the four of us may very well do some more traveling together. She and her spouse are both alcoholics, so a little of them goes a long way.
I have only looked for one guy, the one guy I almost married, and I couldn't find him. Nor could I find the one woman I had a brief affair with in the 80s. I never looked for the rest.
My ex-boyfriends were all pretty much losers and so I don't really want to get back in touch with them. Well, OK, my very first boyfriend I would like to get in touch with because my dad threw him out of the house and I never saw him again. I was pregnant and got an abortion at my father's insistence. We were so in love...but he was a loser too. He was in a state correctional facility for juveniles. He came down on the bus from Sacramento on weekends when he was let out to see me. I was 15 or 16 and lived in South San Francisco with my parents. He was 17. I'd like to see him because I want to know what he's done with his life, if anything. But considering he was in jail at 17, he probably didn't have much of a chance to do well in life. He's probably super religious.
Oh yeah and one other guy I'd like to keep in touch with, but then I come to my senses and remember what an asshole he was too.
I'm perfectly happy sticking to my big sweetie pie who is front and center in my life right now.
Well I have been married for so long I don't even remember 25 of my ex's lol. Keep in mind I am old
woman, lol
But one ex keeps popping up in my life that I wish to gawd he would leave me alone.
But, he will always be part of me, as he was my
FIRST love.
And the old saying is TRUE. " You NEVER forget your first love"
Anyway, the 25 that followed him were just affairs that went south in a few months or a few years depending On which one, lol. Till I found my husband 24 years ago.
Of course If my husband knew that my first love was still maintaining contact with me in Yahoo. ( sometimes I forget to login invisable and he pops in on me) He would be furious with me.
But, what can I do? I can't be rude and not chat with ex.
I try, but he knows me too well, lol
So, we exchange a few words, I feel guilty as all hell, and then
I try to forget him all over again.
But he haunts me in my dreams sometimes. So, I don't think I can ever not think about him.
So the answer in this case is Yes sometimes I do think about my ex.
I wish you the best "Cats"
in whatever happens for you.
I know it can't be easy esp when you do FB and all.
That is why I try to stay away from Myspace and FB and all that
stuff. It can get a person into a lot of trouble sometimes.
imho of course.
I would say that I think about the ex'es a lot since I have not had someone in a good long time. One good reason why I do not put myself on Facebook (or My Space) is because I feel like my ex GFs would look me up and gloat if they can see how much of a failure I am with S/Os and stuff.
About six years ago I looked up a local newspaper from where I came from and noticed that my ex girlfriend's father had passed away. Her name was Mary and she was the only real love in my life. I was hesitant at calling her because I thought it would be tacky to call her just after her father passed away. Well, I did call her. At first she did not know who I was (it was almost 30 years since we had been together), and then she told me that she has a lover that she lives with (a woman).
The last woman I had a relationship with (her name was Susan) was many years ago. She wanted to marry me but I didn't because I did not love her. A few months ago I decided to go to the church where we used to go. I had a long talk outside of the church that day with a woman I used to know. I had not been there in a long time. The woman told me that Susan was in the church with another woman. I did not go in. All I wanted to do was just find out how Susan was doing. I never wanted to get back with her.
A few weeks ago I went to a church where I had never been to before. Strangely, I thought I saw Susan there. I saw a woman that looked like her. I thought the there was no reason for her to be there, but it could have been her. We did not talk to each other.
catsnotkids Wrote:Do you think about former lovers? Wonder how they are doing? Are you in touch with some of them?
I think about 3 former lovers...quite often actually.
I am not in touch w/ any of them because they are married. I know that all of them are doing
very well. Two have children, the 3rd is CF.
I would not really like it if DH kept in touch with his former lovers.
Although, that being said, one did call here a few months ago and she does live close by. To be honest with you, I really didn't care very much if they met for dinner (she is also married...they have mutual friends, they went to the same Synagogue as kids, blah, blah, blah...).
Maybe by saying that I really didn't care, it took the "fun" and "excitement' out of the meeting and they never did meet.
DH said he didn't feel the need to meet w/ her at all.
There are some who I wonder what became of them, and I'm friends with a high school ex on FB. He's a nice guy, but I'm WAAAY over it. He's a fellow Pagan, and we are both interested in Shamanism. We have a couple of mutual friends in the local Pagan community. We exchange greetings on FB, and that's about it, really.
There's another I recently looked up, but did not friend. He's the ex whose cat now lives with me. This is going to sound weird, but the reason I looked him up is so that I can contact him if we lose Maya. I don't know if he will care, but she was a birthday gift from me to him when she was a kitten. I know nothing about his life now, other than that he is in NOLA. I don't really want to know. I just want to be able to get in touch with him when Maya's time comes.
There's another from high school about whom I wonder from time to time, but I suspect his life is not pretty. He's an addict.
Then, there's Greg, my last ex. Most of you know that story.
Do I feel a need to keep in touch with them? No. I really don't. I'm very happy now, with D, and I don't feel the need to go back; however, except for those who were real dicks, the door to friendship and civility is always open.
Jen M.