Just got an e-mail from a friend and colleague. She and her SO of three years are splitting. Why? Because one got a job 50 miles away from where they live, and the other doesn't want to move. Oh, boo hoo hoo! She works out of her house, for God's sake!
Two things. First, if you want your relationship, that is to say, your marriage taken seriously, then be married! Act married! Do married things! You don't just drift away because you can; you take vows, and you work on that relationship.
Second, because it is so hard for gay people to get married, and most of them can't, legally, they don't get the community support that straight marriages do because no one expects them to behave, or helps them when they need it.
Woman up and take on the responsibilities of marriage so that it won't be so hard for all of us to get legal rights. So what if the culture doesn't help you? Grow a set and help yourselves.
This really pisses me off. Any thoughts?
Moving is tough, when it involves two careers, no matter that she works out of the house (ask Anastasia who admits her work in her art form has suffered because of her husband's career-required moves).
But the issue remains about acting as if you're married, but it starts LLLLLOOOONNNNGGGGG before one got a job 50 miles away. They should have talked about it a long, long, long, long, long time ago. The moment one said, "What do you think about me applying for this job and us moving to this town?" they should have talked. If one vetoed the move, the other should have stayed, and not continued to apply/interview/accept/move away.
It's as much the fault of the person who got the job, as the person who decided not to move. UNLESS the person who decided to stay pretended to support the other, thinking this horrible economy would have "naturally" weeded them out and they wouldn't have to be the heavy, then it's the fault of the job-getter.
But if the one who applied didn't get the okay from the one who wants to stay, they are just as much at fault.
I've lived through this. I drove 90 miles (one way) to a job, because my DH couldn't move. And when he could, we looked very carefully for jobs that would allow me to keep mine -- so, he did NOT apply for jobs that were outside of a two-hour drive for me, and did NOT apply for jobs in states too far away. You consider the career of the other person -- you don't assume they'll follow you because "your career is more important". It's a shared thing, at all times. (The only exception is the military -- people like Anastasia certainly choose to accept that life when they accept that military person, even if it's hard when it comes time to have to sacrifice.)
I understand that there may be an extra layer to this because of the hot-button issue of gay marriage. But it's not a gay marriage thing -- it's a relationship thing. Gay relationships, straight relationships -- they are ALL in jeopardy because people aren't communicating, or aren't agreeing, or think they themselves are more important than their partners, or because they think a relationship has to be EXACTLY "this way" or "that way" or else they walk, etc. It's not a gay thing, and it's not a straight thing. It's a society thing -- so long as we think relationships are disposable, we will dispose of them!
Perhaps, like so many things where parents and society are failing their children, we need to have a class (or a series of classes) in schools on how to choose a life partner -- how to weed out the undesirables, how select the vital criteria to you (and lose the things that aren't that important), having self-respect, etc. Maybe if we learn how to nurture relationships -- of all kinds -- we will be less likely to throw away relationships that should be more permanent.
(I'm trying not to be preachy -- I'm a girl who chose poorly at 18, and realized it at 20 -- I was a fool, but no one taught me differently! I had to learn on my own, through hard trial and error.)
Okay, more details needed.
The one who got the job had to take it or be unemployed. She thought they had an agreement about moving together. The one who works out of her house can do it anywhere, because it's computer related and electronic. Either she goes to a business that needs her, or she works at home. In this case, she could do it from anywhere as long as there's an airport. The one with the new job cannot work anywhere. Jobs in academia are harder and harder to find, especially if one wants tenure/security, and the free-lancer knew that, too. She knew when the other's job was ending and that they would more than likely have to move. Academic person kept her job search local to acocommodate free-lance person. This is what she got for it.
As for living through it, I am about to celebrate my 22nd anniversary to a now-retired military officer. When she was on active duty, I tagged along. Now my career is paramount. Yes, you compromise, you adjust, you take turns and you deal with what the economy deals you. You don't wimp out on a fifty mile move. Straight people manage this because they believe they are obligated to do so, whether by custom, culture or personal ethics. Gay people far more typically quit. Having understood I am gay for over thirty years now, I know how this works, or doesn't work.
Having said all that, though, I completely agree that all kinds of people quit marriages before working on them, because of what you said. They marry in haste and repent at leisure. They are not careful. They do not discuss; they do not consider. There's a lesbian joke about this: What does a lesbian take on a second date? Answer: a U-Haul. Guess what! I did it once, too. Married someone I didn't know was a drunk because I drank enough to not see any difference. But when you are living with a drunk day in and day out, you learn, so we ended that. I knew BJ for ten years before we were even intimate, let alone married. I don't recommend everyone take ten years, but a month or two and no time working out mutual problems will lead to this sort of disaster.
One more thing: making a mistake like you and I did at 18 or 22 or however young you are is totally understandable. I think we all deserve a little leeway and a second chance. But we are talking about previously-married people in their 50s. Either you take it slow, and/or you don't commit, or you do commit, and you work on it.
Is it not possible to commute 50 miles by car?
I used to cycle to my job 17km in snow in winter.
cassia Wrote:Is it not possible to commute 50 miles by car?
I used to cycle to my job 17km in snow in winter.
You would think so, huh? Especially in Florida where we have no real winter. It seems to me the academic could make that particular concession, at least as long as it takes to sell the house, even if it's years. At the moment, I know of no job requirement that would make this a problem. I'll try to find out more and fill in the blanks. I also know they each have an adult child living with them. Not sure if this is a complication or not.
So basically these 2 were together for the long haul then at the first sign of something new or challenging the one bailed? Just like that? Was she looking for an easy out for awhile or something? I can't imagine someone really committed and happy would just bail all of a sudden like that... unless I've got it wrong, wow that must be a shock for you. 50 miles I don't get, my DH and I before marriage were 1005 miles apart, and after 9 months I moved to be with him. Esp if she's working from home... is there something she's tied to at the old location? I dunno it confuses me.... the adult child shouldn't matter. I would hate to think she would stay because the adult child didn't want to move... and she chose the adult child.
I like what PG said. Also, I'll add that excuses for big things are often made because of how things are going in smaller ways. As has been suggested... you don't suddenly disappear from a happy relationship, so likely there were problems and this was the easiest way to resolve the problem. There are more than a few people who have had their SO say "I'm moving on in my life, are you coming with me?" and the response has been "I can't" even though technically that other person was wandering down a different path for a long time but couldn't manage to be honest.
This may not be the case this time, but it's my suggestion.
As far as we knew, everything was fine. Then all of a sudden, it was over. They seemed to have interests in common, which was how they met. Of course, we don't see them on a daily basis, we don't know every detail, and we only know whatever they told us, which is what we based our perceptions on. As soon as I get more details, I'll fill everyone in, but unless she drops another e-mail bomb on me, I don't expect to hear from her until I see her on the 23rd.
By the way, we have another couple here in the neighborhood with whom we socialize, and all they ever want to talk about is the constant splitting-up and reforming of other lesbian couples. They seem unaware of other things going on in the world. Luckily we don't see that much of them.
Wow sorry to hear about this. It seems to me that maybe the person was looking for a way out for a while--then she had an excuse because of the move?? I'm sorry, I know I'm just speculating. But people just don't bail on a relationship because of a 50 mile difference. And even if things seemed to be okay on the outside, it's hard to tell what is *really* going on in a relationship. Just my $.02, take it for what it's worth.
At this point, I think one was a great deal less committed than the other, but we didn't know, and maybe the other one didn't know, either, and this made a good excuse for her to bail. I just don't know which one that is.
Yeah, that situation is totally different, and fifty miles is NOTHING! I can understand something like falling in love with a house and not wanting to move, and still, 50 miles is nothing, then, for the job-getter to drive, if they feel the relationship is worth saving.
eslbee Wrote:As far as we knew, everything was fine. Then all of a sudden, it was over. They seemed to have interests in common, which was how they met.
That's really common. When J left his wife people were SHOCKED. Little did they know that they hadn't had sex in 17 years and had no intimacy whatsoever. But who would know that from the outside? All people saw was the "perfect" marriage - superstar kid, successful couple, etc. People saw them carting the kid to horse shows together and doing family things together - things must be terrific, right?
The seamy underbelly of many relationships is completely hidden from the outside world.
Obviously there's more going on here than meets the eye. Academic says she needs time by herself; free-lancer says she loves her house. One more wrinkle to consider: free-lancer's son actually lives with them, while academic's daughter is away at school. Academic and her daughter are, well, academic. Free-lancer and her son are, sort of, um, free spirits, I guess. Both gainfully employed, but in much less rigid structures. As a free-lancer/academic myself, I can see a split in priorities here.
I think this may be a good example of why gay couples should be allowed to be married. Without that piece of paper it is way too easy to be selfish and leave a relationship over something like this. I used to be so anti-marriage, but now that I've been married, I have seen myself change into a much more compassionate person, especially when it comes to Corey. I wonder if this would be happening if they were married? My money would be on them working this out better than they are right now, that is assuming that they still deep down love each other.
Opilies Wrote:I think this may be a good example of why gay couples should be allowed to be married. Without that piece of paper it is way too easy to be selfish and leave a relationship over something like this. I used to be so anti-marriage, but now that I've been married, I have seen myself change into a much more compassionate person, especially when it comes to Corey. I wonder if this would be happening if they were married? My money would be on them working this out better than they are right now, that is assuming that they still deep down love each other.
Yes, this is exactly the point I wasn't able to make so well with my original post. That piece of paper makes you stop and think. We have tons of paper, and we're married 22 years. Even if no one else says you're married, YOU should say it, and you should act it. That's why we've had both a Holy Union and a legal marriage in Canada; to demonstrate intent and good faith to one another and the world. But the anniversary we celebrate is not any of those; it's the day we said to one another, "We are married."
eslbee Wrote:Opilies Wrote:I think this may be a good example of why gay couples should be allowed to be married. Without that piece of paper it is way too easy to be selfish and leave a relationship over something like this. I used to be so anti-marriage, but now that I've been married, I have seen myself change into a much more compassionate person, especially when it comes to Corey. I wonder if this would be happening if they were married? My money would be on them working this out better than they are right now, that is assuming that they still deep down love each other.
Yes, this is exactly the point I wasn't able to make so well with my original post. That piece of paper makes you stop and think. We have tons of paper, and we're married 22 years. Even if no one else says you're married, YOU should say it, and you should act it. That's why we've had both a Holy Union and a legal marriage in Canada; to demosntrate intent and good faith to one another and the world. But the anniversary we celebrate is not any of those; it's the day we said to one another, "We are married."
Aww, how sweet. Elsbee, you get it. Your friends, they do not get it.
This all sounds very complicated and seems like the kind of thing that happens when people don't really work things through together. The whole "50 miles" thing is superficial. One of my best friends from work lives farther away than that, and he and his partner set things up so that he has a place to stay here when he needs to stay overnight to get things done (he's an academic department chairperson), but his true home is with his partner.
I think your post makes the point of why marriage is important (or should be) to all who undertake it. That is the commitment you make to the other person.
Opilies Wrote:Aww, how sweet. Elsbee, you get it. Your friends, they do not get it.
Thank you. It's just that we have worked so hard, and in the face of a lot of cultural opposition. if we divorce, the right wingnuts win.
dune67 Wrote:This all sounds very complicated and seems like the kind of thing that happens when people don't really work things through together. The whole "50 miles" thing is superficial. One of my best friends from work lives farther away than that, and he and his partner set things up so that he has a place to stay here when he needs to stay overnight to get things done (he's an academic department chairperson), but his true home is with his partner.
I think your post makes the point of why marriage is important (or should be) to all who undertake it. That is the commitment you make to the other person.
Somebody was just looking for an excuse, that's for sure. I'll let you know when I find out who!
50 miles? I can't imagine. DH is considering a job 1200 miles away and even that isn't a deal breaker.
Someone is definitely looking for an excuse for a breakup, they probably thought this sounded like as good of an excuse as they would get. Either that, or they are really that superficial, or they are gluttons for punishment and attention (" My SO moved 50 miles away, please give me attention! Wahhhh")