05-27-2009, 09:32 PM
If I've learned anything of value over the last few years, it's that life is anything but black & white.
As many of you know, I came out of the closet about three/four years ago. I can think of no existential crisis more confusing than realizing in your 30s that your entire life has been built on a false assumption. To further confuse matters, I was in a very happy marriage. My husband and I tried everything to stay together, from couples therapy to polyamory. Eventually I came to the conclusion that I had to leave the marriage in order to live as a lesbian. I felt like I had missed out on something important by not figuring out my true orientation until later in life and that my marriage was somehow holding me back from exploring the world that had just opened up to me.
After the divorce, I tried dating women. I casually dated this one woman for a while, but we never had that strong of a connection so it fizzled out. I went to a lesbian speed dating event (totally out of my comfort zone, but I did it anyway.) I had my three minute conversations with 20 different women, but there just weren't any sparks with any of them. I looked at various online dating sites, but no one caught my eye there either. I spent a couple of lonely months ruminating on my life and reevaluating what was really important to me and came to the conclusion that sex and physical attraction weren't all that important and that compatibility on deeper levels was what I really needed.
I never stopped hanging out with my now ex-husband. Our visits slowed down for a while when we were both dating other people, but over time we started spending more and more time together. He never wanted the divorce in the first place and had left the door open for me to come back if I wanted. Last July we went on a trip together and spent a lot of time discussing getting back together, and pretty soon we were a couple again.
We'd been very happy in our marriage up until my orientation crisis came up. We were just like the couples in those cheesy eHarmony commercials. We always said we had something special that most couples don't have - we almost never fought, we communicated so well that the couples therapists we saw didn't really know what to do with us, we agreed or were willing to compromise on everything, we had the same goals and hopes and dreams, and we could tell each other things that we've never told anyone else, ever. We're both kinda misfits, but we're the same kind of weird so we understand each other's quirks, and over the years we've grown even more alike. He's the only person outside of my siblings who has ever been in my "fart confidence". In fact, he's the only person I've ever been closer to than I am to my siblings, and my siblings and I are very close. None of this has changed, in fact he and I are closer than ever since getting back together.
I still identify as a lesbian because it's who I know I am. I'm attracted to women. However, life with Jason just feels right. It doesn't matter than I'm not physically attracted to him, it's what's on the inside that counts. Looks and sex both fade with age, but love based on compatibility and friendship can last a lifetime. I don't need to be in a gay relationship to feel complete, I need a partner I can travel the road of life with. I have that with Jason, and I was a fool to ever think I needed to look anywhere else. I was just very confused for a while and needed some perspective, and I'm so grateful that he was willing to take me back once I got that perspective.
(As an aside, he's not like most guys in many ways, and his friends used to say he was a lesbian in a man's body. Even though they were joking, maybe there's a bit of truth to that. It would certainly explain why I connect with him so well and why I never connected with any of the other guys I dated before him.)
We're moving back in together next week. Actually, I've been shacking up at his apartment for the last couple of months, but his apartment is small (and my place is even smaller) and we're WAY over the pet limit, so we're moving into a great duplex where all of our pets are welcome and all of our stuff should fit. We're talking about getting remarried as well.
As many of you know, I came out of the closet about three/four years ago. I can think of no existential crisis more confusing than realizing in your 30s that your entire life has been built on a false assumption. To further confuse matters, I was in a very happy marriage. My husband and I tried everything to stay together, from couples therapy to polyamory. Eventually I came to the conclusion that I had to leave the marriage in order to live as a lesbian. I felt like I had missed out on something important by not figuring out my true orientation until later in life and that my marriage was somehow holding me back from exploring the world that had just opened up to me.
After the divorce, I tried dating women. I casually dated this one woman for a while, but we never had that strong of a connection so it fizzled out. I went to a lesbian speed dating event (totally out of my comfort zone, but I did it anyway.) I had my three minute conversations with 20 different women, but there just weren't any sparks with any of them. I looked at various online dating sites, but no one caught my eye there either. I spent a couple of lonely months ruminating on my life and reevaluating what was really important to me and came to the conclusion that sex and physical attraction weren't all that important and that compatibility on deeper levels was what I really needed.
I never stopped hanging out with my now ex-husband. Our visits slowed down for a while when we were both dating other people, but over time we started spending more and more time together. He never wanted the divorce in the first place and had left the door open for me to come back if I wanted. Last July we went on a trip together and spent a lot of time discussing getting back together, and pretty soon we were a couple again.
We'd been very happy in our marriage up until my orientation crisis came up. We were just like the couples in those cheesy eHarmony commercials. We always said we had something special that most couples don't have - we almost never fought, we communicated so well that the couples therapists we saw didn't really know what to do with us, we agreed or were willing to compromise on everything, we had the same goals and hopes and dreams, and we could tell each other things that we've never told anyone else, ever. We're both kinda misfits, but we're the same kind of weird so we understand each other's quirks, and over the years we've grown even more alike. He's the only person outside of my siblings who has ever been in my "fart confidence". In fact, he's the only person I've ever been closer to than I am to my siblings, and my siblings and I are very close. None of this has changed, in fact he and I are closer than ever since getting back together.
I still identify as a lesbian because it's who I know I am. I'm attracted to women. However, life with Jason just feels right. It doesn't matter than I'm not physically attracted to him, it's what's on the inside that counts. Looks and sex both fade with age, but love based on compatibility and friendship can last a lifetime. I don't need to be in a gay relationship to feel complete, I need a partner I can travel the road of life with. I have that with Jason, and I was a fool to ever think I needed to look anywhere else. I was just very confused for a while and needed some perspective, and I'm so grateful that he was willing to take me back once I got that perspective.
(As an aside, he's not like most guys in many ways, and his friends used to say he was a lesbian in a man's body. Even though they were joking, maybe there's a bit of truth to that. It would certainly explain why I connect with him so well and why I never connected with any of the other guys I dated before him.)
We're moving back in together next week. Actually, I've been shacking up at his apartment for the last couple of months, but his apartment is small (and my place is even smaller) and we're WAY over the pet limit, so we're moving into a great duplex where all of our pets are welcome and all of our stuff should fit. We're talking about getting remarried as well.
