On the old board, I had posted that my BF had broken up with me citing that he had "issues" that prevented him from continuing our relationship. He told me that he had wanted me as a friend and reluctantly I went along with it.
For two months, I went along with this "friends" BS. He is a very confusing person who has a lot of drama in his life. I'd figured I'd see where this went, all the while really examining my feelings in this situation. After a period of sadness, I began to look at things more objectively. I realized that he was treating me the way he was because I was allowing it. He basically acted as if he had me on a string and would only get back in touch with me at his convenience.
Finally, two weeks ago, I said to myself that I had HAD it. I stopped calling him and have not heard from him either. I am finished. I am sick of his shit, his lies, and if you look at it, his emotional abuse. There were occasions where he was messing with my head by saying negative things about my body i.e. I had cellulite and needed to lose weight. Ummm, hello, I'm 5'2" and 108 lbs. Does that sound fat to you?
I'm planning on going to his house tomorrow and getting my things that I left there. I have no intention of calling him but instead will get in touch with his mom. I know that he is not home on Thursday evenings but she is. I have zero interest in seeing him.
I told my friends that if they still wanted to hang out with him, it was their prerogative and I wouldn't be annoyed. I just wouldn't be joining them. I also found it ironic that during this two-week period that I haven't been talking to my ex, he's been trying to resume getting together with my friends. He hasn't talked to them in a while but now he wants to? Whatever. If he's playing some sort of mind game with me, I honestly and truly don't care anymore.
I was worried that I would be depressed over this, but you know what? I feel empowered. I feel good knowing that I'm demanding that I be treated with respect and courtesy. If he's too stupid to realize he's acting like an asshole, then I truly feel pity for the next girl he dates. Because he will do it again. People with egos like his rarely see their own faults.
Life is too short for this. I have too many things to be excited about right now and I can't let someone like him weigh me down any longer. I knew that all of your previous advice on this situation was the right thing to do, it just took me some time to get over the initial hurt to act on it.
I'm glad that you eventually grew into your power, and cut him off. Good for you!
I think the "seeing your friends" thing is him making a preemptive move to talk bad about you to your friends, so that by the time you give your side of the story, they will already be on his side. You will want to be careful with that. Trash-talking him can backfire on you, but saying nothing might be worse. Only you know your friends, and which avenue will work best with them.
I am so PROUD of you Water Lily I can bust
Congrats! You go Girl!!!! No one has the right to play mind games and mental abuse on anyone.
And you are so very lucky to be rid of that clown at last
.
I too pity the next girl he meets.
It is apparrent that he is caught up in his little world of his own where he thinks everything should be perfect? I don't think so.
Not in this lifetime.. NOTHING and NO one is "PERFECT"
And NO, I would KILL to have your body weight/frame So,
NO, YOU are NOT FAT!!!! AT ALL!!! And please don't let any man tell you any different.
If a MAN really LOVES you, He will LOVE ALL OF YOU.
Not just your body but your mind and feelings as well.
Its sad that this had to happen.. But I am very proud of you for
taking action.
As they always say, "when a door shuts a window opens"
And I am sure you will have NO problems finding your
"Mr. Right"
But, as my mother always said and it is so very true.
"Love will find you when you least expect it".
So, for now, just do what you have to do.
Get all your material goods back from him, and move on with your life.
I hope your friends will be supportive for you
If not, you know we are all here for you
Hang in there Water Lily, The best is yet to come
It feels good when you realize you have control over a situation and can make it better! I am so glad you are doing well and have a plan in place to deal with the remnants of this relationship in a healthy way. I remember being in a similar situation, and when I finally took action, I felt better than I had in months. You go, girl!
Good for you, Water Lily! If I had come to the realization you have when I was younger, I would have saved myself years of heartache. You rock!
Good for you, Water Lily! You deserve better than this jerk. Now, you can go and get it!
Jen M.
Good for you!
Glad to see you've not only made the right move, but that you're feeling good about it.
Thank goodness you gave this jerk the boot!!! 5'2" and 108 is TINY TINY!!! Men who try to make women feel badly about their weight deserve to be kicked to the curb.
I'm glad you are over him completely. You deserve way better.
5'2" and 108? Good grief. That is even less than they told my mom she should weigh at 5'.
Nothing you would have done would have been good enough. You couldn't have lost more weight, you couldn't keep up with his changing mind or rules.
When you make the rules or at least see that the rules he has created are only to his advantage, you beat him at his mind games.
As for suddenly wanting to hang out with your friends. I assume that they may know some of what is going on. And possibly have wanted you away from him but didn't know how to come out and say it. Depending on how much you want to tell them, keep it simple without name calling. "The situation with BF was too complicated/too painful to continue as just friends. By breaking it off completely, we are able to persue our separate lives." Or some such.
Telling you that you need to lose weight at 108 is fucked up. He's a total ass and not worth anyone's time. Isn't great the when the spell wears off and you can't care less anymore? It IS empowering. I remember how great it was to reach that stage in the old days, when I finally and honestly cared nothing for the guy in question. It was especially good when they'd come nosing around to see the damage they had done, expecting a heartbroken desperate woman happy to see them, and I'd be like, um, who are you?
I wonder why he wants to see your friends. PG might be right about him wanting to talk trash about you. My ex-husband did that during our divorce, and because I didn't speak up (and only one person came to me and told me what he'd been saying, to give me a chance to defend myself), I did lose just about all the friends. But then they all got to know him, he treated them horribly, and over time they dropped him and came back to me. One friend even got on his knees and begged me for forgiveness!
While my ex-BF and I were still dating, he had gotten friendly with my best friend's BF "H". But I had noticed that for a while there, my ex was not doing a very good job of keeping in touch with "H" because "H" would tell me how my ex wasn't returning his calls and shutting his phone off much of the time. Gee, I know I certainly wasn't a stranger to THAT treatment myself, lol.
What's ironic is now that I've chosen to stop speaking to my ex, he's been calling "H" like crazy and they're practically becoming bosom buddies and have plans to go to a few Mets games together. And my ex is twisting the story with me and trying to make himself seem like the victim i.e. saying things like I am ignoring him when that is not the case at all. When we last spoke, my ex said that he was going to call me back. So how am I ignoring him?
I called his mom yesterday and arranged to get my golf clubs that I had at my ex's house. I know my ex isn't home on Thursday evenings and so I deliberately planned it that way. We had a heart to heart and I explained to her the situation. I left things open-ended and told her that her son could call me if he wanted to just to show that I wasn't "ignoring" him.
And just to show you how manipulative my ex is being, he spoke with "H" last night and told him that he came home to "discover" my clubs missing. That's BULL because his mom told him before I came over that I was coming for my clubs so it shouldn't have come as a surprise to see them gone. He also said that he had wanted to see me and was upset because I came when he wasn't there and left before he got home. If he wanted to see me so badly, why didn't he tell him mom to have me to hang around until he got home?
I really don't care if "H" gets friendly with my ex. It won't last because my ex will flake out on him yet again. I also don't care if "H" takes my ex's side. Hell, he's already squaking because apparently my graduation party and one of these Mets' games are close in date to each other. Translation? "H" is going to have to take off an extra day of work if he wants to go to both. But even though my friend warned her BF that he better not miss my party, in truth I really don't care if he comes or not. I want to have a good time and I don't want to deal with a pissy, resentful person there. He can spend every day with my ex. I honestly...don't...care.
I know the truth and so does my best friend. I know in my heart I did the right thing. I gave it my best effort and if wasn't meant to be, it wasn't meant to be. Before I left, my ex's mom said something really nice to me. She told me that if I can't be with her son, she hopes that I find someone really special in the future. That definitely made me feel a whole lot better.
Water Lily, I'm glad your ex's mom is so supportive of you.
I think you just need to let your ex and his whining go. If he wants to talk to you so badly, he can call you. He knows that.
As far as your friends go, your true friends know what's really up. I think you'll be fine.
I hope you meet someone great really soon. Meanwhile, just be good to yourself.
*hugs*
Jen M.
Bittercat is right, your ex sounds whiny, like a little brat. He's gone from your life so try to ignore his antics even though it's hard, because you'll drive yourself insane trying to apply logic to his complaints and actions. There is no logic, he's just an asshole.
I'm glad his mother was nice to you and said such a nice thing, I've never experienced that. I don't think any of my boyfriends' moms ever liked me, and some outright spewed hate towards me. My first husband's mom certainly had no love for me, and DH's mom and step-mom don't like me at all. It's got to the point where his step-mom has stopped communicating with him almost completely because of me. Sigh, it's so nice to be so hated by so many moms!
You guys are absolutely right. And the thing is...life is too short for this crap! And I don't have time for my ex's baby games. He's 3 years younger than me but by the way he's acting, you'd think he was 10 years younger, lol!
Honestly, though, my friends keep feeling the need to tell me every little thing that my ex has said about me and our relationship over these past few weeks. I know that they think they are helping me, but it's water under the bridge now. I know what my ex is all about and so do they. I just don't see what telling me all the negative things he said about me is going to accomplish. At this point, I just don't care anymore. I've been feeling better than I have in months. My graduation from mortuary school is just 2 short weeks away and I'd rather be concentrating on that!
Sweet! On graduation. Congrats!
(I always thought that would be a really interesting field to work in.)
Just TELL your friends up front: "Hey. I appreciate you telling me this, but I've moved on. I'm doing great now. That's all in the past." I'm sure they will get it after a time or two.
I'm glad you're doing better. There really IS more life out there to be lived!
Jen M.
I'm late to this thread, but I wanted to chime in with congrats on graduation and getting away from that loser. Sometimes it seems like the hard way is the only way to learn.
Remember how I said that my friends were telling me every little detail to me about my ex? Well, apparently, there was one thing that they felt they had to tell me and could only tell me in person. I knew it was bad news and I had suspicions of what it was.
To put the icing on the cake, my ex cheated on me throughout our entire relationship with his ex GF. Apparently, they had broken up just previous to our meeting and not the 6 months like he had told me. He told my best friends BF "H" that they had kept in touch the entire time, and from the way H made it out, was that they were "getting together" on occasion. And now that we are broken up for good, he is back with her.
I'm not angry and hurt because I want my ex back. I'm angry and hurt because I feel like this entire year was nothing but a big, fat LIE. If he wanted to be with his ex so badly, why was he continuing to see me? If I was just a rebound to him, why did he let it go on for close to a year?
And remember the "problems" that I said he had? Well, I guess I can let the cat out of the bag on that one too since I no longer care about protecting him. He was convicted of a felony and is now on probabation. I stood by him through ALL of it. I even stood next to him in court when he was sentenced.
Where was his ex when he was arrested? Where was his ex when he had all his court dates? That's right no where to be found. Yet, that is who he apparently wants to be with, not the person who stood by him.
But like I said...I don't want him. If his ex is as shallow and superficial and he made her out to be, then they're PERFECT for each other. I'm just pissed of that he's using H and telling him all of these things. My ex wants H to join a bowling league that he and his new GF are on. I'll bet dollars to donuts it's because he wants it to get back to me. I don't understand why he has to be so spiteful and malicious after everything I did for him. Oh, well, it's clear he doesn't deserve me. But I also don't deserve such shitty treatment either.
I just get so mad when I see the good people getting shit on and the cheaters and the liars seemingly getting everything their little hearts desire. If I seem a little more emotional than usual, don't mind me. I'm just a bit menstrual right now. This is just another hurdle that I'll get through...yet again. Thanks for listening.
I want to be a fly on the wall when you start telling people about his felony conviction. I hope it was for something egregious, like drunk driving, or possession of child porn!
Sorry, I'm vindictive that way......
*Water Lily* Hugs!
I'm really sorry to hear about that. Cheating is the #2 dealbreaker for me in a relationship. It's really unfair he deceived you like that, especially since he put you through so much (supporting him through his court ordeal.)
The bottom line is that he and his GF--or whatever she is--are both LOSERS, and they DESERVE each other! Think of it this way: Better she be stuck with him than you. You are now FREE to go out and get what YOU want.
*big hugs*
Jen M.
I used to be very wary of who I told about his "record". I realized that I wasn't just protecting myself, I was trying to protect him. I no longer care anymore about any of that. I will not allow myself to be used like that ever again.
And if you were curious as to what he was convicted of....ignore the photo...it looks nothing like him but sure as hell does a bang up job of making look like a total creep...
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