I have a friend who recently mentioned that she doesn't know if she is going to have children. For now she is gathering as much information on the subject as possible. I know that there has been information posted (books, articles, etc) in the past but I can't see it here.
So... does anyone have suggestions?
Just that she is going to be inundated with people on the other side of the fence pressuring her to have kids and telling her she'll change her mind, it's different when they're your own, blah blah. So I would just say to be the voice of our side and let her know that she doesn't HAVE to have children, and that it is a good idea to really think about her motivations for wanting kids before jumping into it.
Tell her to check out the costs of necessities... diapers/diaper service, formula/baby food (some women can't or don't want to breastfeed), daycare/babysitting, clothing, education, furniture, etc.
She also needs to talk to women (or read books by women) who are honest about both sides of motherhood. I'm sure there are more than a few women on iVillage and similar sites who complain about their husbands' unwillingness or perceived inability to properly care for their child(ren) and how they, as the mothers, have to do damn near everything when it comes to the kid(s). Of course, that's if she's married/partnered. If she is, how does her partner feel about the subject? If she's not, then she'll be the sole support (financial, emotional, physical) for the child.
Of course, there are always the environmental considerations. How "green" is she? Has she considered the environmental impact having children has on the earth?
As for books she can read, here are a few:
The Childless Revolution by Madelyn Cain
Families of Two by Laura Carroll
Maybe Baby by Lori Leibovitch
Reconceiving Women by Mary S. Ireland
Baby Boon by Elinor Burkett
Barren in the Promised Land by Elaine May
The Baby Trap by Ellen Peck
Tell her to come here. Seriously. Ask her if she can stand not being able to sleep in for the next 18 years. Ask her if she enjoys noise, dirt, confusion and limited spending.
Babysitting for a weekend is a good way for her to experience the realities of having children. If she has friends or family that need a weekend away, get her to offer her services and then reflect on the positives and negatives of the experience. We enjoy babysitting my neices but we're pretty happy to have our space back after a few days with them! I cannot imagine having them full time. It's so emotionally, financially and physically draining!
Volunteer at a daycare, church nursery, to babysit for friends etc. and I second the idea of her coming here and seeing that people who don't want kids aren't "baby haters" or "parent haters" usually, just people who decided, for a variety of reasons, not to be parents.
Yes ITA with CFS PLEASE be the voice for our side of the fence.
And don't forget to send her a copy of this................
PARENT - Job Description
POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging
permanent work in an,
often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES :
The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule
and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love,
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis,
Or forward with love
to anyone thinking of applying for the job.
** AND A FOOTNOTE "THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!!
Thats a bone chilling thought right there..... LOL
I think Scorpio is right. Getting advice from people with kids is nice but not really representative data so to say. She should get kids if SHE wants to not because other people tell her that she HAS to. That's my opinion.
I would agree that 'experimental research' is usually the best suggestion, but in this case she works with young kids so there's no need for me to mention it. I was thinking of providing her with more theoretical points of view (i.e. books) for that reason.
I have no idea what decision she/they have made, or perhaps they haven't even yet decided, although I suppose that time will tell! Either way, I am confident that they will make an educated choice that is best for them. What more could we hope for?!
Well, at least she's thinking about it and trying to gather as much info as possible. That's better than just jumping into parenthood without even a thought and then wondering what the hell you were thinking.
I think reading is the best way to gather info and to add to the list of books provided by Emma, I would suggest "The Parenthood Decision"
http://www.amazon.com/Parenthood-Decisio...362&sr=8-1
I would also recommend the book "I'm OK, You're a Brat" by Susan Jeffers. It goes into the pros and cons of parenting, including a lot of bad things that parents will never admit to your face.
Thanks CFS! I had a feeling that there was a book that I'd heard about but hadn't been mentioned, and I couldn't remember the details. That one sounds familiar as I like the name of it...
