We Kid You Not Childfree Forums

Back in December my husband and I were invited to a Christmas party at the house of one of our family friends. There was this other couple there who had two kids (ages 15 and 18). At the party they got along great with him. They were joking and laughing the whole time. One of them (the 18-year-old) has developed sort of a friendship with my husband. After the party they continued to keep in touch using e-mail. They are also friends on FaceBook. At first they sent messages every day. By now it has dwindled to a message once a week. From what I have heard, she has met him twice since the party.

DH works in the music department of a local university. This girl is a first year student who isn't satisfied with her current school, so she is looking to transfer. A few weeks ago she had a piano audition at the school where DH works. After all the auditions were over she told him that she got here by taking a train and walking the rest of the way. DH told me that he offered her a ride. At first she said she didn't want to bother him, but he told her that it wouldn't be a problem.

Last week, DH did a performance in New York. It was a small low-key thing with only a few people in attendance. 18 y.o. girl saw a notice on his website and decided to come. From what I heard, she doesn't have her license yet so she had to take public transportation. The show was over at 10 PM and it was dark. Since the girl lives in our area, DH offered to drive her back home. It takes about two hours to drive from NY to where we live. The next morning I wanted to know why he arrived later than expected. He told me that the night before he had seen the 18y.o. at his show. Before going home he said he was hungry and stopped at a restaurant. She said she didn't have cash and would have to pay with her debit card. He then told her that she shouldn't worry; he would pay for the two of them.

I haven't seen this person since the party, but from what my husband told me she seems to have a fascination with him that is bordering on obsession. I know people like music, but being prepared to take hours' worth of buses and subways to NY shows that she must have been determined to see the concert. My husband is open with me and tells me everything. He told me that the girl even said it herself. She didn't care about the music, she just wanted to see him in person again. During the car ride home, she was joking about how much she liked him. She even compared him to drugs and said that being around him was addictive.

DH doesn't seem to mind this. He thinks her joking is harmless and likes her company fairly well. I, however, am concerned. I am in my mid-40's and DH is 50. Although 18 is a legal adult, it is still a huge age difference. He tells me that this girl acts really friendly whenever she is around him. What could an 18-year-old and a 50-year-old have in common with each other? It seems weird. Right now things aren't so bad, but I am worried that there could be a problem if her infatuation with my husband continues.

It does sound like the girl has a crush on your DH: she has pretty much said as much! Your DH sounds like he's just trying to be nice, but I also think a part of him is flattered by this young girl worshiping him. This is a tricky situation, because if you say something, it could make you look bitter and suspicious, but if you don't say anything, it could progress into an affair.

What I would suggest is calmly bringing up the issue with your DH by saying something neutral and not attacking her, i.e., that you think this is a sweet girl, but that it seems like the poor thing has a little crush on him, so it might not be a good idea for him to give her too much attention because she might take it the wrong way and get her hopes up. If he gets defensive or avoids the discussion, then your alarm bells should be going off.

It's great that he is telling you all this, but I'm disturbed by the fact that he has done nothing to nip it in the bud and is acting like he's an innocent victim. Understandably he doesn't want to hurt her feelings, but he is going to have to put his foot down sooner or later with her and give her a clear message that this "friendship" is going to either have to end or have strict boundaries.

The best way to do this would be for him to avoid any future social situations with her, and nclude you in any future social situations with her that can't be avoided. When you and he are together in front of her, make it clear through your words and actions that your marriage is solid.

Another thing you might want to do is get her parents involved. I don't mean by ratting her out or complaining, but ... yeah; maybe I do mean that. Her parents probably would not like the idea of their daughter chasing an older, married man. Maybe both you and your DH need to have a talk with her parents (make sure DH is involved so you don't seem like the "bad guy") and mention some of the specific incidents and suggest they have a talk with her.

Good luck with this tricky situation.

I think he's crazy to put himself in a situation where he could be accused of something by the girl or by her family. You can't be too careful nowadays - to give an 18yo a ride when you are on a university faculty and take her out to dinner is unwise. Sure, it's "legal" but that doesn't make it smart.

I'd be very concerned if I were you. An 18yo offering herself up, which is what it sounds like she is doing, is awfully tempting for any man, let alone one in his 50s. They don't need to have anything in common. That's not what the relationship is about.

He's far from an innocent victim - he was sending her daily messages and is offering her rides and taking her out to dinner. He's an active participant in this relationship.

I agree with CFS - you should be sure to be included in any social situation where she is to turn up. If she does turn up and you aren't there I would ask your DH if he would consider, to protect your feelings, to not spend time alone with this woman.

I'm the "other woman" so I know something about how these things happen. I would take this situation very seriously. My BF's wife really wishes she had. The fact that your DH is telling you about what's going on, in my mind means he wants you to intervene. He's giving you a chance to do so before it's too late.

BTW, welcome to the board.

I don't blame you for being concerned about this girl. I agree with CFS and Cats. Is it possible that you start going to your husband's performances? It would sure squash the potential for her to express her feelings again. If your husband knows that she isn't interested in music, he should use that info to discourage her from transferring colleges. He should cut to the chase with this young woman and tell her that he is not interested in her at all, do it via email or Facebook and then delete/block her from his email and Facebook.

She is 18 now. If he makes himself clear about where he stands, she probably won't even show up to her parents' dinner party with you guys again.

I knew a woman in my class who fell for her professor. The professor went for drinks with her after class. It turned out to be a complete disaster. I asked myself why the hell did the professor agree to drinks with her in the first place. I got to know this woman outside of class and she turned out to be quite pushy and immature.