DH and I were having a bad argument last night. I don't know why, but he only likes to get a haircut once a year--that's IT. It wouldn't be so bad, but his hair is really thick and curly. At the end of about six months it starts looking like an afro, like from 1977 or something. It's very embarassing to say the least.
He finally started cutting his hair every six months, which I can live with. A year is just too damn long. Well last night he informed me that he is going back to getting it cut once a year again. I told him that he is going to have a very lonely spring, as I won't be seen in public with him until he gets it cut. Honestly, he looks like a crazy homeless person when it gets like that. And he really does look handsome when he has it cut nice and neat.
So he goes on to inform me that my tattoos look "horrible," and he can't stand them. He never could stand them on me.
Okay--hair is one thing, as a person can just get a haircut. Tattoos don't rub off.
Plus each and every one of them have a special meaning to me.
I know that tattoos aren't really his thing, but I had no idea they were such a turn-off to him. That explains why we maybe are intimate once a month if I'm lucky.
So I basically told him not to worry as he'll never have to look at my tattoos ever again, end of story.
I'm in the same predicament as a lot of Americans right now--I can't afford to live on my own. If I didn't have these three animals, I'd go live in a closet. But I have them.
So I decided I'm just getting on with my life, and fuck him basically. Now I'm looking for a guy who *likes* tattoos, and can accept me with all my little quirks and whatever. It's going to be tough to find him at age 40, but I know he's out there.
And yes, maybe I am doing the same thing to DH by not accepting him for his once-a-year haircut thing. But there has been so much other crap between his crazy mother and living in a junk yard and that stuff with my ex-friend, I'm at the end of my rope.
And believe me, I'm not trying to play the victim here. I'm at least 50% responsible for this mess. It was just a mistake from the beginning I guess.
Uhm, just from reading your post once my opinion is that it has nothing to do with tattoos and haircuts but you are both looking for excuses to distance yourselves from each other. These are not issues to divorce over, especially when you've been together for a while.
I think you (and he) are probably picking at each other because of that previous unresolved (apparently) situation with the ex-friend. It sounds like you've both got unresolved feelings and issues, whether it was just that situation or other things that are weighing you down. I think you need to revisit that and whatever other problems you have going on.
I know it's simplistic to say "seek counseling" but really, don't convince yourself it's about haircuts and tattoos when it's not. If divorce is the right thing for both of you so be it, but you owe it to each other and the relationship to resolve the real issues first.
I agree with Kirby. There are far deeper issues than hair cuts and tattoos.
I believe that the shit really hit the fan with the friend situation and both of you are looking for an excuse to end your relationship. I hope you can work it out or come to an amicable conclusion.
Hugs to you.
I'll add my agreement with the others. The tattoos and haircuts can't be the main problem. If you can both look at things more closely, you might be able to find the base of the problems and work on those. Right now, you seem to be arguing about the little things, so that you don't have to deal with the big ones.
Agreed with Kirby. Also, in a similar situation I would want to work on myself before looking for someone new...
Let me warn you against the "can't afford a new place....waiting to latch on to somebody else" thing. That was the first thought that crossed my mind, when I decided to leave my first husband. I didn't do it -- because that would (1) make me a leech, and a really sorry excuse for a woman (in my mind, at least), and (2) it would have made me desperate to take the first halfway decent offer that came along.
It's the latter I'm most worried about for you. How is the next relationship going to be any better, when it's driven by your need to get away? It is always best to love yourself, and live by yourself, before someone else enters the picture.
Good luck to you! I know it's not about the hair and tats, but about your basic incompatibility. You need to get to a place where you feel good about yourself again, before inviting someone else into your life.
I started noticing little things similar to this when I moved in with my ex-fiance. I felt like he was doing things just to piss me off because he secretly was starting to resent me.
For example, he offered to be the one to take out the garbage when we got our apartment because as he put it, "it's the man's responsibility." Ok, fine. But then take out the fucking garbage! I was used to living in a house where we took the garbage OUT OF THE HOUSE every day. Taking the garbage out did not translate to just taking it out of the can. But that's what he started doing. He would have several bags piled up stinking in the kitchen before I got so fed up that I took it out to the dumpster myself.
Another example: if he came home from work and started noticing that there were dirty dishes in the sink, instead of addressing it with me that he didn't like it, he would in turn, start leaving a huge pile of his own. He waited until we broke up to tell me about it. Sad, we seemingly broke up over dirty dishes and garbage.
But in reality, it was that he resented me and I resented him and instead of addressing the issues at hand, the resentments built up to the point where he was doing things to purposefully spite me. I tried opening up lines of communication but by that point, he just shut me out completely.
I don't what you are seeking at this point. Are you still hoping to resolve the issues and save the relationship? For me, I had been so angry for so long, I just wanted out.
Thanks guys. You are right, there are a lot of deeper issues here than just haircuts and tattoos. And he is definitely doing stuff deliberately to spite me. He knows I hate seeing bags of trash on the front porch--just take the crap to the back of the house where it belongs! But he just leaves it there because he knows it gets under my skin.
As for living alone, I did that after my last marriage. I don't have very good memories of it to be honest. After 2 1/2 years I was broke, depressed and very lonely. Not to mention wracked with anxiety attacks. I really think that was the start of all the health problems I am having today--stress can do a lot to a person. I don't know which would be more stressful--living like that again, or living with him. Six of one, half dozen of the other truthfully.
Anyway, I'm not making any rash decisions. But if Mr. Wonderful walked into my life right now, I wouldn't send him packing! lol
jeaniemarie, I am sorry to hear this. It sounds like he threw out that line about the tattoos just to hurt you. If they had bothered him that much, he would not have married you in the first place. I think it was just his way of trying to get the upper hand in the argument.
A lot of the crap between my (soon to be ex) husband, and me, started like that. I know there were other issues behind it, but we were never able to really get to the bottom of them, and it came out in what seems like petty bickering, from the outside.
I hate that "raised by wolves" look, too. My husband (for now) does it quite often. Even though I can't stand it, I figure it's his hair, and I'm not his mom. I wouldn't kiss him when he had food all stuck in his beard, though, and he wondered why. Yuck.
ITA with Kirby & CFS there is more to this story then just tat's & Hair
Of course I can't be neutral about the hair issue.
Living with a cue ball my whole marriage, I would welcome any sign of hair growth, lol
But ITA even too much of a good thing is a pita.
How does he even keep it clean? And if he is not neet about his appearence, then no wonder your at odds about him.
And for him to lash out about your tats was just too cold blooded imho.
He must have known about your tat's before he married you, right?
So, with that in mind I think he is delibertaly trying to get your goat.
So, if you guys don't want to save this marriage of how many years?
I suggest you seek some legal action and get it over with.
You can always find legal aid through womens abuse shelters.
And although you might not think your qualified for that, trust me you are! There are many forms of abuse, it does not have to be physical to make you qualify.
in whatever you do.
