I am curious. Do you and your SO make plans together or do you make a plan and then just tell the other about it?
DH is getting into this habit of committing us to plans or inviting people to something first, then telling me about it after the fact.
I am getting very frustrated because if I do disagree, then I have to be the one to change the plans, make the calls, cancel, etc....It makes me appear to be the "bad" guy all of the time.
I am asking this question because right now I am SOOOO pissed off at DH. His Mom is coming into town next week for Thanksgiving.
She is terrified of my cats, so I decided to make reservation at a very nice restaurant that has a Thanksgiving buffet and live jazz ($60/person to add!).
Two days ago, DH came home and told me that his son and his son's GF will be joining us. I HATE the GF. Actually, DH's Mom dislikes her, too. I told DH I didn't want them coming with us and that he should have talked about it with me first! He just basically said nothing. I am really pissed because I don't like the GF and I know his son and GF will be expecting us to pay for their meals. Oh, they have a lot of money, but since DH invited them, I guess WE will be paying. I've seen this happen before. These people are not the type to say, "No, please we can get our own meals".
Then, MIL calls last night and tells us that one of the nephews is staying in town and wants him to join us. Of course DH says yes without asking me. He doesn't drive, so that means we will have to drive across LA to pick him up and then take him home. He also will not be paying. And last but not least, he follows a Kosher diet, so he will not be eating anything. This place charges by the person, so there's another $60 down the drain.
Last time this particular nephew tagged along at the last minute (thanks to DH) we had to change our plans and go to a Kosher Restaurant and cancel the reservations that I had made weeks in advance (and that cost me).
I just want to stay home now. I was actually pretty excited for the dinner/music, but it is turning into this costly nightmare.
Thanks for the vent.
Ugh. It's too bad you can't cancel or insist on them paying.
BTW, I didn't realize your DH has kids too. If you want to join the Childfree Steps message board, let me know! I'll send you the link.
ETA: DH invited his daughter and 3 of her teen friends to MY birthday party at a tapas restaurant without checking with me. Naturally we had to pay for them. The bill came to $250. Needless to say, it was not exactly in our budget (You guys have read my hurricane rant). It was not exactly how I envisioned my birthday party.
Oh...and not one of the teens said "thank you for dinner".
CF Scorpio Wrote:Ugh. It's too bad you can't cancel or insist on them paying.
BTW, I didn't realize your DH has kids too. If you want to join the Childfree Steps message board, let me know! I'll send you the link.
Trust me, I want to cancel, but then once again, it looks like I am being the party-pooper. I really want to go, but I want to go with DH and his MIL...like we had originally planned.
Thanks Scorp.
Please, send me the link. I could use the support right now.
CF Scorpio Wrote:ETA: DH invited his daughter and 3 of her teen friends to MY birthday party at a tapas restaurant without checking with me. Naturally we had to pay for them. The bill came to $250. Needless to say, it was not exactly in our budget (You guys have read my hurricane rant). It was not exactly how I envisioned my birthday party.
Oh...and not one of the teens said "thank you for dinner".
I'd be pissed. Not only because of the $ but because nobody seems to have manners anymore.
About a year ago we had a B'day party at our place for DHs son. We paid for everything (again, of course). Nobody brought over anything and nobody, not even his own son, said thank you to me.
I don't know. I guess times have changed and I shouldn't expect anything. I was raised that if you are invited to something you bring something and/or offer to pay (at least your share) and always say THANK YOU! We actually use to write out thank you cards. Now I know there are a lot of people that don't believe that you should expect a thanks, but that was the way that I was taught.
Guess I am old fashioned, huh?
Yeah, I don't get why no one from the younger generation says "thank you". I guess they take everything for granted.
Is your husband the type that expects you to do all the plan changing when he invites extra people? Like if you tell him that he has to change the reservations for additional people, would he do it, or would he just be pissed that you won't do it?
Is your DH aware at how pissed off you are?
To answer your basic question, no. We don't plan things without the other person's input. But then again, we don't have that kind of baggage (step-kids). Nonetheless, we don't do that to each other.
We do have some baggage -- his parents, and my parents. His parents are ver elderly, so it is pretty much understood that we spend the holidays with them. It's not a very big hardship to make sure we include ourselves in their plans (which is what they want, rather than inserting themselves in OUR plans). It will be this way until they die. We accept that.
Since your husband has kids and it appears a mother who is alone? -- you probably need to accept that there is a standing invitation for major holidays. Then you can be pleasantly surprised when they don't show up. Make your arrangements accordingly. If you can't afford to take everyone to a $60/person T-giving dinner, tell everyone you're going to Shoney's for dinner. If you prefer, make a dinner at home, and tell everyone to bring a dish (if you have to FORCE them to be mannerly, that's okay. If someone doesn't show up with the side dish, then there's no side dish -- believe me, it only takes one time where the item is missing, before peer pressure and humiliation will keep them from forgetting next year!). Tell your DH you need to know who is coming by X-date, and the date is FIRM. No one shows up later, no one drops in on the day of. You be as sweet as sugar -- "Oh, I'm so sorry, but if we had only known earlier, we could have made a reservation for you. As it is, they are full up, and we can't add any people. I'm so sorry. Do you want to come by later for coffee and cake?" You are sweet and sugary, but you make it absolutely impossible for them to come along.
For this to work, you need DH on your side. You give in by expecting ILs and kids every year, and he gives in by giving you what you need to plan appropriately. You BOTH stick to your sides of the bargain.
To be honest, I find your DH to be behaving very disrespectfully to you by planning without consulting you. But on the other hand, this is his mother and his kids you're talking about, and you really can't expect him to turn his back on them.
Hi beachbum
I am so sorry your hubby is not giving you the proper respect in asking you first before he makes plans.
To be honest my hubby use to do that kind of shit too.
But I put a stop to it.
I just would not go, to anything he planned without me, I would say.
NO
Its as simple as that NO.... NO NO NO
It is a very easy word to say.
No I won't go, or NO I don't want them coming or, No, how dare you make plans without asking me.
But, I can see your hubby's point in wanting his family with him on the holidays. But, he should have
ASKED you first.
Does he even know your pissed?
I think this problem of him making decisions without you is a little bit deeper then just the hoildays.
I hope you two can work it out.
Holidays suck don't they? LOL
But, hey no one ever said life is easy, lol
DBF and I pretty much always discuss plans together for most things. For us, it's really the only way to go. I can't imagine having to deal with the bullshit of him making plans without my input and putting me in compromising situations. It did happen once, but it wasn't anything major, fortunately.
PrairieGirl Wrote:You be as sweet as sugar -- "Oh, I'm so sorry, but if we had only known earlier, we could have made a reservation for you. As it is, they are full up, and we can't add any people. I'm so sorry. Do you want to come by later for coffee and cake?" You are sweet and sugary, but you make it absolutely impossible for them to come along.
This is a really good idea! I hope it's not too late for you to do this! Can you tell them that the restaurant is not taking any more reservations?
Thanks for listening and all of the advice!! Yes, DH is the one who expects me to do all the plan changing after he has committed us to things. Yes, DH knows how upset I am.
Yes, the reservations are made.
The nephew isn't coming after some talk and agreement that paying $60 for someone that will not eat is a total waste of money. DH and MIL will see him during Friday night services anyway.
Everything would have been fine had it just been me, DH and his mom, like we, ahem I, originally planned (and DH agreed to) over a month ago.
His mom is even going to be here on my B'day and I graciously put my plans on hold. I really didn't mind at all.
Nothing is changing now. I have to be an adult and suck it up. The thing is, I NEVER ask for much out of this marriage (meaning, being bossy and always demanding my way), but DH isn't an idiot and he knows me well and he knows what agitates me.
Once in awhile I do ask for things, but it's a pretty rare occasion, probably because I really don't care. Then it seems the few times a do care, DH fucks it up and I feel so let down. This seems to be happening more and more often and the more it happens the less excited and I am about our relationship and the less effort I feel that I want to put into it.
Maybe he is punishing me because I have put on weight? I don't know.
Well, the bill came to almost $400.
The cunthole of a girlfriend decided to "drink and be merry" and rang up over $75 in drinks. His son had a couple, maybe $15 worth. So between the two of them we spent over $225.
I am SOOOO FUCKING PISSED I can hardly see straight.
I told DH that I am planning my B'day and Thanksgiving next year.
I think I am more pissed because it would be once in a blue moon that DH would drop $225 on a nice bracelet or something special for me.....but I guess it's important to impress his son and his whore GF.
It's over thank g-d. I took 2 Ativan last night and 1 today. It has calmed me down so I don't have a stroke.
beachbum Wrote:Well, the bill came to almost $400.
The cunthole of a girlfriend decided to "drink and be merry" and rang up over $75 in drinks. His son had a couple, maybe $15 worth. So between the two of them we spent over $225.
I am SOOOO FUCKING PISSED I can hardly see straight.
I told DH that I am planning my B'day and Thanksgiving next year.
I think I am more pissed because it would be once in a blue moon that DH would drop $225 on a nice bracelet or something special for me.....but I guess it's important to impress his son and his whore GF.
It's over thank g-d. I took 2 Ativan last night and 1 today. It has calmed me down so I don't have a stroke.
Damn hon, if it stressed you to the point where you were about to have a stroke, it's definitely not worth it. Don't do it next year. Seriously, if your hubby wants to go with them fine. Just feign a headache, or bow out and volunteer at a homeless shelter. Not. worth. it.
jeaniemarie Wrote:Damn hon, if it stressed you to the point where you were about to have a stroke, it's definitely not worth it. Don't do it next year. Seriously, if your hubby wants to go with them fine. Just feign a headache, or bow out and volunteer at a homeless shelter. Not. worth. it.
You are absolutely right.
Next year, I make the plans AND I stick to them (like I tried and failed at miserably this year) or I do my own thing.
It didn't help that DH lied to me and told me about the whole thing this year.
Oh well. It's over with.
Yes, I felt as though I was going to have a major anxiety attack...today and yesterday. My throat got really tight like I couldn't breath and my face was all red and I felt kind of dizzy/sick/angry all at the same time.
It's kinda funny I am so mad, but at the same time I feel as if I don't even care about
anything.
It's also strange, but I look at DH differently now. This hasn't been the only incident, but it is just one more to add to the the many he has pulled.
I'm going to give you the advice that every woman should be given before marrying.
DO NOT be one of those women who demands nothing out of the marriage. Demand EVERYTHING you need. EVERYTHING. YOU. NEED. Thoughtful spouses aren't created out of magical fairy dust, and yours just wasn't around when the dust was sprinkled -- thoughtful spouses are created from demands. My husband is very thoughtful of me, but because I demanded it.
I'm not talking about "you better get me a diamond bracelet, or else". I'm talking about, way back when, when an issue first arose about inviting people over without consultation, or when the issue first arose about whose responsibility it is to remember a family member's birthday, I made it VERY CLEAR where I stood. He made it clear where he stood. Where we were incompatible, we worked out a mutually satisfying solution.
Not being a demanding spouse, BeachBum, has made you a doormat. You have no opinion (you said, in fact, that "you just don't care") and thus he is used to his opinion ruling the day. From his point of view, your unwillingness to go along with a change in plans is what is extraordinary, not his own behavior. You, admittedly, don't care -- he's probably confused as to why you care NOW.
DEMAND, honey. He will never respect you until he knows your boundaries, on EVERY LITTLE THING. And you don't have to approach this in anger, although I suspect after so many years of your swallowing the rage, it's going to have to be in anger, or in couples therapy. Had you done this from the beginning, they would have been nothing but gentle nudges, spoken in friendly voices -- in the beginning we are all malleable. Now you have to do MAJOR corrective training, and it's going to be painful for both of you, if not fatal to the marriage. But it sounds like it's a matter of your sanity versus the marriage, so it's worth it.
You're right PG. I was/am a doormat. I use to do anything for him. I would do things and see things I didn't want to do because I just knew that when the tables were turned, he would do it for me! I would run errands for him, lend him money, and on and on....What a laugh!
To be honest with you, it is as though I don't really exist here in this house. I am probably better off living alone to be honest with you.
Ya, it was not just this Thanksgiving dinner....it's been hundreds of things that I have made excuses for over the years. Always thinking it will change or that it will be the last time.
Well, I'll hang in there through the holidays.
beachbum, I am sorry to hear that these a-holes ruined your birthday. Stepchildren and their spouses are THE most ungrateful people on the planet. They see the non-custodial parent and the stepparent as walking wallets. I see this in DH's family too and I am sick of it. As someone who also shelled out $250 to pay for ungrateful people at my own birthday party, I totally sympathize with you.
I think it's time for you to have a heart-to-heart talk with your DH. As my DH says, "I am not a mind-reader." Stuff that I think should be totally obvious to him is apparently beyond his comprehension unless I actually SAY it. Your DH may not understand how upset you are, and he may have no idea that you would like to be surprised with some nice jewelry. So you will have to come right out and TELL HIM.
Good luck and keep us posted!
ETA: It might also be a good idea to come right out and tell your DH that he needs to have a talk with his son and tell him - in no uncertain terms - that he needs to say "thank you" the next time you and he take him out to eat, and that you will no longer be paying for him and his girlfriend unless he does.