We Kid You Not Childfree Forums

I just need to ask. Is having (or wanting) kids or not pretty much everything that can seal a deal if you have that in common? I would think so but I'm not sure.

An example that happened to me: a couple of weeks ago I put an ad on Craig's List (great place to go! {Yeah, right!}) for men seeking women. I had put in that I do not ever want to have kids and prefer someone who feels the same and never had kids. I got a few responses. There always has to be at least someone that would answer an ad like that who have kids, and there was a woman that did.

I answered her back, only because the others didn't work out. She was pretty nice to me. She came from the Boston area and had a thick Boston accent. That really made me not homesick at all! The conversation was going pretty good and then she talked about her two sons (one was a chef in NYC and the other is in college). While she was talking about them, I just froze! The more she talked, the more I was not interested. So that ended it.

I just wish I could meet a woman that feels the same way I do. Just once I would like to be with a woman that gets irritated at the sound of screaming kids! My sister the other day told me that I should end up with someone who is a grandmother, because just having a grandchild will not kill me. She said that I may end up doing that because I am going to be so lonesome if I don't. I think that she was not feeling good at that time, which is happening a lot lately with her.

I've noticed that some of the women on here have husbands that already have kids. It would be hard for me to believe that I can fall in love with someone that had kids because it would seem like I can't relate to them.

I think for me, kids are a dealbreaker. I'm not interested in any aspect of small children. That said, the woman with two grown children could be interesting! -- if she has conversational skills beyond children. But of course, one day her sons will have kids, and the question is, does she want to be the constantly-babysitting-grandma, or will she be the Kodak Moments grandma. I could participate in Kodak Moments myself, but constant-babysitting is not for me!

If her sons are in college it's, for me, not a big deal, certainly not a deal-breaker. I dated a guy who was divorced when I lived up in the mountains. He had two kids in college and they were both very sweet. I got along with them great. They were terrific, just like him. I would have been happy to end up with two step-kids like that - I spent no time raising them but could have a connection with them as I grew older.

The guy I live with now, Jim, has kids. That's a whole different story. His daughters barely speak to him and both refuse to meet me "ever". Somewhat of a negative, but I'm dealing.

Small kids, that's a whole 'nother ball of wax. THAT is a deal-breaker for me. No way no how do I want anything do do with kids that aren't grown up!

I found that the attitude difference between those who have had children and the childfree to be so refreshing that I will never ever date a breeder again, even if that means that I stay single.

Unfortunately it's pretty slim pickin's out there if you rule out all people with kids as potential dating partners. After having 2 serious relationships in a row with men who had kids (in the late '90s/early '00s) I vowed I would never date a guy with kids again, and yet I married someone with a kid. Yeah, I wish he didn't have a kid. It would eliminate 33.3% of our arguments and we'd have more disposable income. However, things could be worse. At least it's just one kid, I get along with her OK, she's already 17, DH is a non-custodial parent, so there are no required visiting days (which means we don't have her every goddamn weekend - we only have her when she wants to be with us, which is rare these days). So yeah, it could be a lot worse.

The 2 dads I had dated previously had younger kids and they spent a lot of time with them including every weekend or every other weekend. That sucked. I hated that our time together was always put on the back burner for those kids.

But relationships are about compromise. I would prefer if DH didn't have a kid, but he does. Oh well. I hated being alone much more than I hate being a stepparent.

ETA: I don't even consider a teenager to be a kid. My SD can hold a conversation and is interesting to talk to and sociable, so being around her is not unpleasant.

Just wanted to add that if you are bored and repulsed by the other person talking about kids on a date, then don't force yourself to date parents, even parents of adult children. Because unless they are estranged from their kids, you are going to have to hear a lot of that. Lucky for you, it seems like there are way more single CF women than CF men.

catsnotkids Wrote:The guy I live with now, Jim, has kids. That's a whole different story. His daughters barely speak to him and both refuse to meet me "ever". Somewhat of a negative, but I'm dealing.

If you want to join the childfree steps message board, let me know and I'll send you the link.

A lot of the "hits" I get on dating sites are from guys who have kids, younger kids. Two of the men live less than an hour from me, but we never met in person because the kids would "get sick" when we had the date planned. Either the kids rule the roost or they get sick way too much, and neither is acceptable to me.

I suppose if a guy was estranged from his kids, it wouldn't be so bad, but that brings up other concerns. I'd really rather have a CF man.

Me too, I doubt I could tolerate otherwise. It might be easier for a CF woman, cause a man with kids usually has a life outside of them where as most women, their lives tend to revolve more around them because from day 1 they are the ones with the grunt work, staying at home, etc.

The only way I'd consider it is if yes they were grown, totally had their own life, and very responsible. Meaning no running to daddy for money, etc. No baby-sitting, a few kodak moments a time or two a year - preferably because they live too far away to see regularly.

I would think 99% of the time I would not consider it. The fact that you even have to ask about it on here speaks volumes. You said you were no longer interested; I wouldn't waste your time if I were you.

I think it would depend on the situation. I used to have a strict rule about NO MEN WITH KIDS EVER, but let me tell you everyone has baggage. If it's not horrible kids it's a horrible mother in law, or whatever.

If there is a next time for me, I'll take everyone on a case by case basis. I don't think I could deal with a custodial parent, or someone who had really young kids though. And definitely no baby mama drama.

jeaniemarie Wrote:I think it would depend on the situation. I used to have a strict rule about NO MEN WITH KIDS EVER, but let me tell you everyone has baggage. If it's not horrible kids it's a horrible mother in law, or whatever.

If there is a next time for me, I'll take everyone on a case by case basis. I don't think I could deal with a custodial parent, or someone who had really young kids though. And definitely no baby mama drama.

LOL Amen to the horrible MIL. But it STILL beats having kids around.
LOL
Tommy don't give up, you will someone when you least expect it.

I understand your first quote - on one hand I feel that yes, the men could usually do without kids way more than the women. However on all the CF websites I've seen, there are way more women than men. Also since women are the ones having to give birth, BF, and the other crap I think that offers the potential for more CF women out there. So I guess it depends on the situation...

i was actually in a relationship for a few months with a woman who had kids. everything was great EXCEPT she always talked about her kids, and the kids constantly ruined plans that we had(got sick, got home sick at grandmas and wanted to come home, dad flaked and mom and to run to the rescue etc etc etc). after 2 months of dealing with that i had to break it off. She was the first and only mom i dated, and she will be the last. breeders and nonbreeders are just too different IMHO.

-Joe

My best friend is CF, but he married a woman with two teenage daughters. In the early days of their relationship and marriage, his phone calls and emails to me were full of drama and misery; concerning the father, concerning some controversy about this or that, there was always something. And I remember he really couldn't stand the older one, about 15 back then, and he adored the younger one, about 13 or so then. I met them at the wedding, and the older one was an obnoxious snot, and the younger one seemed really sweet. Then as the older one got closer to 18, my friend started to get along well with her, I guess because she was becoming more mature, and he started to really dislike the younger one who was entering the snotty stage. Now the older one is away at university and the younger one is nearing 18, and I haven't been hearing much in the way of drama, but he doesn't really talk to me much anymore, anyway. He keeps referring to them as "my family," which, for some reason, I find really weird. He's only been in their lives a few years and if you knew him, you'd know he's more like a third kid than a father figure. He's never liked kids.

Another friend of mine ended her marriage over her husband's bratty, shitty, 17 year-old daughter. Her husband had sole custody and my friend would tell me horror tales of really vile behavior by the teen. Every day was an argument over her, and my friend was finding herself trying to hold on until the daughter went to college. When the daughter announced she had no desire to go to college and she begrudgingly started to work part time at a fast food place, my friend decided she couldn't continue living with the daughter and she left the marriage. She got a divorce within 2 months and took back her maiden name, as if she were trying to get as far away possible from the experience of living with a teen and the father who constantly catered to her every whim.

I have another good friend who is CF and left his CF wife a couple of years ago, after many years of unhappy marriage, to be with a woman he fell in love with who has two teenage daughters. He recently emailed me and told me the older one is off to college now, but there seems to be a lot typical teenage drama with the 15 year old still around. He seems to be fine with it, though, he really loves the mother very much and he signed up for this.

Based on all that, I doubt I could ever have a serious long term relationship with a man with children. I dunno, maybe if the children were grown up, but then there's that pesky grandchildren bullshit and I couldn't deal with that, either. It's bad enough DH has 17 young nieces and nephews and he keeps telling me I'm their aunt, and I feel nothing for these people. Hell, I've only met about 3 of them or so, and they're total strangers to me. I'm no one's aunt, especially if I don't even know them or haven't even met them.

Do not assume that a child will leave at age 18.
One neighbour son just left at age 43.
My previous landlord never left home and moved the husband and later kids and grandkids in the home.
Another person I know never left and is about 45years old.

I couldn't be in a relationship with a man who has kids. I don't like to be around them at home--how could you relax?

cassia Wrote:Do not assume that a child will leave at age 18.
One neighbour son just left at age 43.
My previous landlord never left home and moved the husband and later kids and grandkids in the home.
Another person I know never left and is about 45years old.

Good point! That's a quote I could use if someone asks me why I would pass up a woman with grown kids. It seemed like on the old WKYN board, someone (I don't remember who) mentioned about a 59 y/o woman that was CF and married a 63 year old man. And it turned out that the man's son had to move in with him and had a 2 year old child. The 2 year old child and the 59 year old woman did not get along with each other at all. I guess she never saw that coming.

It seems like these days, it can be very common for children in their 20s and beyond to move back in with their parents because of the economy. My sister has a friend who have three children in their 30s. They moved to Las Vegas a few years ago, and now one has moved back in with her. The other two may be moving back in also because of disasters that have happened to them.

yeah, i happen to BE one of those 30 year old kids who moved back in with his parents. luckily my mom and dad are still married, so its not like i moved out, then they remarried other people and now im moving in with someone else in the picture. dont get me wrong, i HATE HATE HATE that i am living here, BUT it will give me the jump start i need to get out of the debt my ex wife left me in.

Arkved Wrote:the kids constantly ruined plans that we had(got sick, got home sick at grandmas and wanted to come home,

Methinks that was intentional on the part of the kids. They wanted to ruin her plans! If she had cared about your relationship, she would have said, "Tough! Stay at grandma's!"

I hate parents who put themselves in the martyr role and let their kids walk all over them.