Ok, so I'm dating again. I had a fling, but that was different because I never intended for it to be anything. Now I am faced with a potential relationship and I'm slightly freaking out.
I think I just don't want to make a mistake - which is probably a normal feeling after one's marriage has failed.
But here's my question... I am a happy person about 75% of the time. But the other 25% I get down about (typically) something horrible at work (such as reading a police report where a mother says that her 8-year-old was "teasing" the mother's 29-year-old boyfriend who sexually assaulted her repeatedly over a 3-year period, and told the girl not to "do anything" about it because she didn't want to lose "half the furniture.") or I am in pain and frustrated about it.
I don't know how much I can/should complain about these things. I mean, they are serious, unsolvable problems. I just go through the feelings and then move on to happier moods. But I find that NOBODY knows what to say when I talk about chronic pain or really bad shit in the world. And I can't really blame them for not knowing what to do with that information. Especially since guys seem to want to offer solutions - and for these things, there simply aren't any.
So, should I just keep this stuff to myself or try to vent to people who DO understand, and keep it out of my relationship? I don't mean to pretend that I'm cheery all the time - but maybe not provide details?
Part of me thinks this is wise. The other part of me thinks that if I am to be serious with someone, I'll need to be able to disclose and discuss all of this horrible shit that comes up regularly for me. What are your thoughts?
(So far, when I've ventured into this area, the response I've gotten is "I don't know what to say.")
I think you need to work into these things slowly. I think I stated on an earlier thread that my experience is 5-6 months is around the time you really start to get to know someone. So take this time to get to know your new SO and see what happens. You'll get a good feel for how he takes these things and what you can feel comfortable with sharing. If you find you need to have your partner be the one to vent to about them and he can't handle it, then you'll know he isn't the right one. You may also find that you need to use friends and co-workers to handle that part of your life. If you're ok with that, then that's fine too. You don't have to share everything unless that's really what you want to do.
Sorry I'm in the "I don't know what to say" camp. However I did want to say congrats on getting into the dating scene again. If you don't mind my asking, how did you do it? I've been single forever and it's driving me insane!
Maybe a coworker would better understand your feelings and would be a better sounding board? At least they've been through it and they can relate to how you feel - presumably.
I don't vent all to one person or one group no matter what. It's just not pleasant for that one person, and not everyone understands all the bits anyway.
I vent to my coworkers about, well, who are we kidding you don't need to hear the gory details, but the type of stuff you read in the cases I would keep within work. Mention that there are bad days at work, and you keep that within work, but there might be days when you are grumpy and for the first few months or so you may prefer to not be around him at those times but it's all dependent upon the situation.
As to the times when you are in pain... at least for the first few months I would treat it the same way, not necessarily being around him at those times and you vent to friends instead. After a while see what happens.
Then again it's easy for me to say this while not having a specific view of the people involved. My best advice would be to take it somewhat slowly but to trust your instincts.
HH you have to be yourself..... If you want a new relationship to grow, then, be honest with the dude. "Honesty is the best Policy"
Tell him that your in a mood, and see what happens from that.
Don't ever censor yourself from anyone, you need not have to explain yourself anymore... Your not married to the dude, so, you can relax and just be yourself! That is my opinion FWIW.
If they don't like it, then you know that this is the kind of dude that is not worth the effort to evolve with.
But if the dude is kind, considerate, and is really concerned about your feelings while you are in a mood, then that is worth exploring further with. This way you can find out for yourself if the relationship is worth persueing ( sp?)
Edit
&
to HH for getting back into the dating Game!
I would agree about "keeping it to yourself" for now. After all, it's your private business -- your private medical business! Since what you are "keeping" from him is not sexually transmitted, I'd say you have no obligation at this point to reveal all.
I think you can also lead him gradually into it. For example, let's say you have a chronic pain episode, and it coincides with some event he was going to take you to, and you need to cancel. You can start off by saying something as minimal as "Well, I was in a very bad car accident some years ago, and sometimes I have painful flareups of the original injury. This is one of those times." As you see the relationship getting more serious, then you can reveal more.
As to work, that's easy -- "I had a horrible day at work." Men seem to think THAT suffices for them, so turnabout is fair play! Okay, seriously -- I'm sure early in your dating life, you are going to tell each other about your jobs, and he'll learn the nature of your job, and that sometimes it's just awful to see the things people do to each other.
And congrats!
I suffer from depression and it's hard not being upbeat all the time. I worry that if people found out my "secret" that they might judge me for it. But at the same time, if I can talk about it with someone and they don't judge me for it, I feel an added closeness to that person.
I would agree to reveal yourself slowly. See if this person is the kind of person that you want to have a long term relationship with. You may be feeling vulnerable because of what happened in your past and may feel bad if you decide to say something and don't get the reaction you had hoped for from this guy.
I think if I was falling for someone and found out that they had serious mood swings or depressive episodes and hadn't told me about it, I would be kind of miffed. But that's because I'm ALL about being upfront with most people about most big things from the start. For instance, I am a morning person... I'm not going to hang out with night people, force myself to stay up late to hang with them, and then once I'm with a guy, spring it on him that I'm not going out late anymore because I really hate going out at night. Bad example but you know what I mean.
I would be honest, personally. That's because honesty is a huge part of who I am and being upfront and candid.
I'm all about being yourself from the beginning. You say you are happy and upbeat 75% of the time--well honestly who the hell is happy 100% of the time??? You can only put on an act for so long.
I have a sticker on my MySpace that says something like, "Be who you are and say what you feel. Because the people that matter won't mind. And the people who mind don't matter."
Seriously though, if you can afford it, it does help to see a counselor on a regular basis. That way you can "vent" to someone without burning out your friends/so. Been there/done that!! lol And writing in your journal helps too.
hockeyhound Wrote:But I find that NOBODY knows what to say when I talk about chronic pain or really bad shit in the world. And I can't really blame them for not knowing what to do with that information. Especially since guys seem to want to offer solutions - and for these things, there simply aren't any.
So, should I just keep this stuff to myself or try to vent to people who DO understand, and keep it out of my relationship?
HH, I can totally relate to your frustrations with chronic pain.
I find that people in general do not understand chronic pain when there doesn't seem to be an obvious injury. Many people think that because you look "fine" you are "fine".
I would be up front about the CP issues. Sometimes people just need to be educated about it. Perhaps his understanding that most days are good days, but others can be bad, would help him be more understanding with your situation. Maybe explain what tends to trigger the pain, what eases the pain, etc.
I think being open about it would be the best thing. That way, when pain issues arise, he is not sitting there wondering, "What in the heck? This isn't the person I've known for the past number of months". And he won't think that you are somehow 'making up pain' to avoid doing something. Does that make sense?
If he really cares for you, he will listen to you.
To add, we are always here on the CP thread for you to vent to as well!
Well, we just spent the weekend together, and it went very well. He knows everything - the genetic condition, the anti-depressants, the work-related sadness. He still seems interested. He helped me do a bunch of things this weekend, like re-fill the dog food bin, give one of the dogs a bath, pick up groceries, etc. So, I think it will be ok.
I explained that I sometimes get sad and that I just kind of roll with it and wait for it to go away. And that it usually does. He also got to see me argue with myself about taking painkillers/muscle relaxers - some of the frustration that I have when I have to admit that the pain is bad. But we managed to have a damn fine time all weekend, so the cards are on the table. We'll see where it goes.
Thanks for the thoughts. Every now and then I get all panicky and think I'm about to make a huge blunder or something. And I have to remind myself that new guy isn't old guy and things can be different.
I can't really comment on the dating side of your question but I can about the work-related reports.
I learned early on in my career when you read some of the most horrific acts a person can do to another, instead of letting it ruminate around in your head, talk it out with co-workers, supervisor, or someone in a related occupation. Over time I've learned to separate myself from some of the reports I read - I try very hard to tell myself there's nothing I can do to make the event go away, I can't rescue the victim, nor can I 'cure' the victim (or their family) of the psychological trauma they have to live with. Nor can I instantly educate people like the mother in your example.
All I can do, from my end, is imagine the convict sitting in front of me actually committing the act and seeing them 'for who they really are' and not the impression management skills they're showing me. The primary, fundamental responsibility I have is not to the inmate, not to the family, and not to the victim - but to the Public and the interests of Public Safety.
Arms length separation keeps me sane.
~aside~
My co-workers and I were chatting at lunch one day and we were talking about 'if only our friends and families knew what we interviewed inmates about...' We interview offenders and ask questions like, "so how often do you masturbate?" "Are your sexual fantasies about children violent or loving?" "Are you thinking of killing yourself, if so, do you have a plan?" "While you were stabbing him and the knife broke off in his throat, why did you grab another knife and keep stabbing him?" (I asked this question last Thursday). I asked a con once what he remembers about killing his wife - he said he could only remember stabbing her "8 or 9 times" when in fact he stabbed her 87 times. Oh yeah, ARMS LENGTH SEPARATION!
Agreed Fiona. I can only really comment on the job stuff, but there are many reasons to keep it within coworkers or people who do similar jobs. I have a few friends that do similar work so that coincides nicely but beyond that I don't share. Partly because that information is somewhat confidential, partly because people don't really need to hear about the horrors of the world if they can avoid it, and partly because it's just easier to explain it to someone who already gets it.
For example I was listening to a bunch of guys talk about how many dead people they had seen lying in the road. They knew I was there... I have my own stories although I only read accounts and don't have the same opportunities to see stuff first-hand, but they knew it wouldn't be much to me. The one thing they had in common was one body that was at the edge of the road, covered up and obviously missing his legs. They keep asking to have his body removed but he keeps reappearing so they have come to the conclusion that he is in fact alive but he hopes to get run over, presumably to provide his family with an income from whomever runs him over.
It's a lovely world out there...
Ziggy and Fiona - wow!
HH - I'm late to this but I think it's great that you are being upfront. You wouldn't want to lay it all out on the first date, but once you've gotten to know someone at least a little, it's best to be honest about who you are so they aren't surprised later. Sounds like the new guy is mature and can handle it. Hopefully!
I agree with Jo and TW. Honesty is the best policy. I would not want to be in a relationship with someone who could not handle my depression issues.
There's honesty, and there's TMI. You need to do it slowly, to just dump "This mother did these horrific things to her daughter..." on anyone is rough. Sometime when you aren't feeling particularly upset due to a case explain that your job will get you down at times because of what you learn about what people do to each other, or however you want to word it. This is pre-emptive rather than while you're having a situation.
As someone mentioned, men tend to want to DO things about a situation. Whether it's nature or nurture, I don't know, that's not the point. If he asks how he can help you, give him the option of just listening, and explain that there is nothing he can do about the case. It's then up to him if he's willing to listen, and if he'll just let you talk without trying to fix it.
Thanks for the advice. Sadly I won't be applying it to this relationship. Yeah... that was fast. When we met he wasn't sure if he was going to stay here or move to Oregon. And nothing happened between us because he "didn't want to lead me on" since he didn't know what he wanted. So then, he basically said he was staying, and then made a move. Last night he admitted that he's still thinking of leaving. GAH!
Don't start something you can't finish, you jerk.
So... I'm done with him. Fuck that. Honesty my ass.
I'm looking forward to extended singleness. Guys are way to fucking annoying to deal with. I don't think it's worth it at this point in time.
HH, I'm sorry things didn't work out. :-( I agree that the dating scene can be frustrating. Been there.
Well, that post was written in tears. Upon further discussion, it seems like we had a legitimate miscommunication. He is extremely sorry. We are still going to be friends. I am going to keep meeting new people and going on dates.
I have yet to decide whether anything else will happen between me and my friend - but as friends only. Basically - if I knew that's what he wanted in the first place - would I have agreed? And if so, can I still handle that? If the answers are yes - we can come to a new, totally honest agreement and go from there.
I'm not opposed to friends/with/benefits with no intention of having a long term relationship. I don't even know if I WANT a LTR at this point. I was willing to give it a shot - but I was nervous as hell about it. So this setup (if I decide to renegotiate with him) actually makes me feel MORE comfortable.
I just was surprised and resentful because I went to the trouble of going outside my comfort zone and seeing this as a potential serious relationship - and I didn't need to do that. So there was some unnecessary emotional upheaval because I invested more emotion than I would have had I known that things were still up in the air, future-wise.
Ugh. We like each other. We are attracted to each other. He doesn't know what he's doing with his life - like where he's going to live and what he's going to do for a living. I don't know if I'm capable of being someone's girlfriend in a serious sense. So after a heart to heart, we might just discover that we can meet each other's needs without making it more serious than it needs to be.
And the key is that I will still date - because maybe I will end up falling totally in love with someone else - and I don't want to miss out on that because I'm too busy having a good time with my friend who I don't want to spend the rest of my life with (probably).
I figure we can always talk about things again if it seems like it's turning into something more serious. Hopefully we learned our lesson about how much talking needs to happen. We both made assumptions and we were both wrong. SIGH. I'll keep y'all posted.