WKYN: We Kid You Not

[tommy14]

I just can't believe that I'm finding myself on this thread. I definatly do not want the responsibility of fatherhood and I do not enjoy being around kids. And especially, I do not enjoy being a guest with a family (it had been like that when I visited my sister).

However, there are times when I feel like I want to "donate" at a fertility clinic of some kind. It's because I feel like I want an offspring of me just to see what it would be like. I'm not losing sleep over this, by all means.
It would be a wonder of how it would turn out. On the other hand, I felt like I had some problems when I was a kid and I would not want something of me turn out the same way. I may have had a form of autism (they didn't call it that when I was a kid). I know that I had ADD when I was a kid (that was not a term used back then also).

Just recently, I saw on another discussion board of a woman that said she wants to have a child and would want the man to leave when the child is born. She didn't want to go to a fertility clinic because she said it would
"take the fun out of creating". I feel like I want to take her up on that. I would have contacted her about that if there was a way I could e-mail her privately, but I don't know if that can be done on that discussion board.

[Dana]

Wow that's weird - so you want to have a kid out there that's yours, but you don't want to ever see with it or deal with it? Is it for money? I can't say that I really understand this! Just make sure she really won't come back to haunt you with it! I could totally see that happening you know. What about child support? Good luck with her not taking you to court a few years down the road...

[justgreenie]

Why am I getting the thought that somebody wants all the fun and none of the responsibility of unprotected sex with a stranger? In my day, that was a not highly regarded one night stand. Another notch on the bedpost. Times haven't changed, I guess.
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"The things that will destroy America are prosperity-at-any-price, peace-at-any-price, safety-first instead of duty-first, the love of soft living, and the get-rich-quick theory of life." Theodore Roosevelt 1858-1919

[RockIslandWalrus2]

If all you really want is a kid out there somewhere, with none of the hassles, then a fertility clinic is the way to go.

The woman you mentioned was lying through her teeth -- yeah, she'll want you to go, but not before you leave your wallet behind for the next 18 years. Believe me, there are very women that calculating, who are NOT stupid enough to not remember they have a legal right to child support.

[kirby]

Gotta agree on NOT taking that woman up on her offer, no doubt in the future she'll be hounding for child support etc.

It sounds like your biological urge is starting to waken up, I'm not sure if they call that the "biological clock" for guys, but I can tell you I also have that.

I'd say take a step back, why is it appealing to create a life and be no part of it? A good parent doesn't just want the baby to see what it's like, they want to raise a productive, happy, functioning human. So clearly your biological urges are the dominating factor in your feelings (imho). You're having the urge to reproduce, to pass on the DNA but not actually parent- blame it on hormones

FWIW I actually have that biological clock and the urges to have a child, but since I know I shouldn't (and now can't- physically) have one I just sort of let it pass, but sometimes it insists on sticking around. It's annoying. I'm certainly not a fencesitter, but I also feel like I'm fighting myself sometimes. I just tell myself that I'm more than my biological urges, there are hundreds of reasons to NOT have a kid, the "urge" to isn't a valid reason TO have a kid...

If that makes any sense...

There's no real right or wrong answer though. I think it's just part of deciding not to procreate. I think it's perfectly normal to wonder what a child would look like, what traits of yours it would have, but if you don't want to actually parent it's just not realistic, it's harmful to the child, the other parent, yourself etc.

I'm sure you know all that- it's just my futile attempt at bringing you back to reality I suppose!

~kirbs

[catsnotkids]

I think it's normal to be curious about things like that.

Back in college my roommate and I used to joke around with a good friend of ours about having a kid together. All three of us were redheads, all three athletic and, well, we thought we were pretty smart, too. We laughed a lot while imagining the perfect redheaded baby we would make. I imagine most people go through something like that, just your experience is more serious.
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[RockIslandWalrus2]

Oh, I'd also add -- if you're wondering what a kid of yours would look like, play around with PhotoShop! Slap your nose and ears on some random woman's looks, and see what you come up with.

[CF Scorpio]

Tommy, if you DO go through with this, please be careful! Talk to a lawyer first and find out just what legal responsibility and liability you have.

There was a case recently in the news of a guy who got sued for child support in similar circumstances. The woman had initially claimed she just wanted his sperm, but she then changed her mind and took him to court.
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"Carlotta was the kind of town where they spell trouble "T-R-U-B-I-L", and if you try to correct them, they kill you."
-Steve Martin, Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid

[anastasia]

[chatterweb]

I am all for the photoshop idea!

My DH went through this.
We explored his reasons behind the urge and he just wanted to have someone to carry on his name, and he wanted a
mini me.
We both know who would be doing the bulk of the parenting: moi.
Since he had the Vas it is a moot point. But
I agree it is normal to ponder what if.
Personally, I only felt a clock ticking
before I found other childfree people,
when the social pressures were intensa.
The "It's what you do" bs.
I wake up every day and I am so grateful
to be childfree.
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"A baby is a hand grenade tossed into a marrige."
Nora Ephron

[BirdGirl]

OK, so wait. You hate kids, don't want to be a parent, have possible genetic issues that could get passed along, but you want to have one to see what it would be like and how it would turn out?? How would you know this?? If you wanted no part of the kid's life, then you'd have to find out on the sly somehow, assuming the mother would even live near you and let you be on the periphery. And how do you think the child would feel not knowing it's father, or perhaps wanting to make a connection with it's bio-dad. Even donating to a fertility clinic, there would be a chance that 18 years from now, someone would be seeking you out.

I hope I'm not coming off as judgemental, but I just don't understand the desire to do something like this. If you want a piece of yourself to carry on or be remembered, why not do something good for your community, start a scholarship fund with your name, or make some sort of donation to a worthy cause? If it's a "carry on the name" sort of thing, I'm assuming there are other members of your family who can take care of that (though why anyone cares about this is quite beyond me--it's not like most of us are royalty and have a need to carry on our names). And as far as your genes go, in a couple of generations, they will be so watered down, it really doesn't make sense at all to procreate for that reason. I'd say think long and hard about this one and where the desire is coming from. I'm wondering if a part of you is feeling unfulfilled right now????

[tommy14]

I've read thru the replies to the topic I started. I must say that I agree with what was said. I feel like I've been set straight after reading the responses and I have absolutely no interest in "donating" and the "pro-creating and then leaving", anymore.

I would not blame the biological clock for me on this. I would blame it on temp. insanity on my part. I just didn't know what I was thinking. The part about "pro-creating then leaving" appealed to me because it would be a relationship. But then, what kind of a great relationship would that be?
Knowing myself, if I was going to be confronted with that for real, then I would have backed out of it because it would not feel right. There had been times in my life when I wanted to take things in my own hands, and then if I was going to do something that would have been wrong for me, then I have backed away.

When Chatterweb had talked about her being married and how thankful she is that she is CF, I thought it was a very beautiful statement (to say the least!). I know if I were to be married there would be no way I would want a child. I could be so happy if I had someone that does not want to have kids - the same way I feel.

[kirby]

Glad we could help bring you back to reality

[Truckerswife]

[Truckerswife]

[tommy14]

[Truckerswife]

[tommy14]

TW

I have a four-word response to your suggestions:

"been there - done that".

If those ideas had worked out well, then I would have been happily married years ago. It seems like the best women I've known in the past had come along for me when I was not actively looking.

(PS): does anyone here know which commercial that catch phrase "been there, done that" came from? I remembered hearing that on the radio a lot around ten years ago.

[Truckerswife]